


Can't love, Can't hurt

by Samcgrath



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: And as usual Louis realises he loves Harry a little too late, Angst, Jealous Louis, Louis and Harry fall out, M/M, Pining Harry, Possessive Louis, Sad Harry, Slow Build, management is a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:48:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samcgrath/pseuds/Samcgrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is living on Gemma's sofa after he moved out of his and Louis' flat because he just couldn't take it anymore. Watching Louis with his girlfriend during the day and then coming home and curling around Harry on the sofa. So he moved out and now Louis might be losing his mind because Harry's gone. The lads worry after Harry says something in an interview that he just won't talk to them about. And Gemma is an awesome sister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It wasn't about you

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is patently false, imagination. It's just my interpretation of the band and other people based on their media potrayal. I don't claim for any of this to be true or close to how they are in real life. I would appreciate it if everyone saw it as written in good fun, for no profit as such.
> 
> This is my first fanfiction for One Direction. I hope I have them in-character from what I've seen. It feels weird writing about real people but I've tried my best. This is something I started writing because I was feeling the things Harry says in the first quote. I was just going to write down how I felt and then his happened. I am not sure where I'm going with this, but I'll figure it out soon enough. Title and Tags might change a bit. Enjoy!

“Sometimes in life you just want things you shouldn’t. That you convince yourself you shouldn’t. You try to go on as if nothing is wrong, as if there is not a storm brewing inside you that’s ready to spill out this second or the next. You pretend that you don’t feel the crippling need for something that you can’t have. Or someone. You just go on.”

 

He feels Louis looking at him from where he’s sitting on the other side of Niall. He knows he should look over and acknowledge his band mate. He knows without looking that there’s concern etched over Louis’ face but he just can’t bring himself to look over. He can’t. 

 

Because Louis is that thing that he needs. So desperately, that he can feel it in his bones. In his every cell. And he knows he can’t have. 

 

So he looks on, toward the interviewer who’s looking at him with wide eyes and her mouth hanging slightly open. He ignores the look and just smiles politely hoping she will drop the subject and move on to talk about the album or the stupid video they’re doing this interview for. 

 

He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns to see Zayn looking down at him from where he’s sitting behind Harry. He looks down with this expression that to the rest of the world would seem like blank nonchalance but the lads know well enough by now to read each other. And Harry knows that Zayn is silently telling him that he knows. 

 

Harry’s not sure what it is that Zayn is supposed to know but it’s the way his hand tightens just a tiny bit when Harry turns to look at him, that tells him that Zayn knows. 

 

Niall and Liam are looking at him with worried faces as well, he can tell. And then they all turn toward Louis for a brief second – hoping that he would know what Harry’s talking about - before there’s a noise from somewhere that brings them all back to the interview. 

 

Harry sees Ronald standing next to a toppled over chair behind the camera with a look of annoyance on his face. He knows there’s going to be a warning after this interview. Another one.

 

He pushes all of these thoughts away to turn back to the interviewer who is still looking at him with this indescribable look on her face. He knows he messed up. But he doesn’t care. Not anymore.

 

“Um. Sorry, I’m just. I didn’t expect that. I should- uh, we were talking about significant others. So, you’re single then, Harry?”

 

“Yes.”

 

That’s all he offers up this time. Messing up once is enough. 

 

“I just, excuse me for asking this but that was just so - I don’t even know what I want to say here. I’m sorry for being unprofessional.”

 

“It’s alright.” He offers with the easy charm that’s become his trademark somehow.

 

“It’s just that I knew you were an intelligent person, I just didn’t expect to hear that from a young boy who’s living the dream in the world’s biggest boy band. That was not something I expected to hear from a teenager.”

 

“Actually, he just turned twenty.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Oh my bad, you did. But you’re still young.”

 

“I am.”

 

And that’s all they say about that little slip even though he can constantly feel eyes on him, as if his mates want to make sure he’s okay. As if they feel the need to constantly look over and make sure he’s there. He feels bad for making them feel this way.

 

“So Harry, you’re living in London currently, correct?”

 

“No, I don’t have a home right now.”

 

“So then, where are you living?”

 

“I’m living on my sister’s sofa for now. I’m looking for a place though.”

 

“What happened with you and Louis? Weren’t you two living together?”

 

“Yes, we—“

 

“We aren’t anymore.”

 

He cuts off Louis before he can finish the sentence and he can see Louis peering at him from over Niall’s head. He looks on toward the woman whose eyes are trained on Louis. Thankfully, she keeps going.

 

“Zayn, congratulations on the engagement. How’s Perry?”

 

“She’s doing well. Thanks.”

 

“Good, and Niall how about you? You still looking for a girlfriend?”

 

“I am. After Zayn went and broke my heart, I am now looking at other people. Harry is quite beautiful, don’t you think?”

 

Harry smiles sheepishly at Niall and turns towards him to offer a wink when he sees Louis steal a glance toward him and immediately look away as if remembering Ronald’s words before the interview. ‘And whatever you do, you two, don’t look at each other. They read into your looks and whatnot so just avoid looking at each other, yeah?’

 

“Speaking of, how’s the 'bromance' between Louis and Harry going? The fans have been quiet lately, not talking as much about ‘Larry Stylinson’. Why do you think that is?”

 

“I think they just finally realised that Louis is in a serious relationship. I mean, we’ve always said that but it’s like they’re finally accepting it.”

 

Liam has stepped up and taken that question as if knowing that Harry wouldn’t speak like always. And Louis, for some reason doesn’t look like he’s going to answer anytime soon.

 

“Louis?”

 

“Yeah, I think they’re finally seeing that. I mean, it never bothered me that much what they thought. Sometimes, it did get out of hand but then again all our fans are a bit too much sometimes. I’m just glad they still like us.”

 

“Why wouldn’t they?”

 

“I mean, we’re not teenagers anymore. But they seem to be handling it quite well. I have seen some things on tumblr about us being adults now, but other than that they’ve been great.”

 

“Best fans in de world.” Niall throws in for good measure. 

 

“That is quite true, your fans are rather loyal. How do you think they’re going to like the new video, then?”

 

“I think it has come out great, I mean you get to see just us lads having fun and like, making Midnight Memories.” 

 

Liam is taking the lead, now that he sees that Harry is not his usual vocal self and Louis seems to have caught on to the program. 

 

“I just saw the video and the part on the London bridge looks amazing and terrifying at the same time. How did that feel like, shooting?”

 

“It was absolutely brilliant. I have always wanted to do that and so did Niall, we were just so excited to shoot that bit. Nialler?”

 

“Yeah, I mean it was fun. And Lou here is a bit afraid of heights but even he was laughing and having fun when we were on the top.”

 

“Yeah, we were a bit worried about Harry though. Clumsy as he is, I was scared he was going to trip over something and just go over.” 

 

Zayn offers in his usual slow drawl and everyone seems to find it funny. Even Harry does a sheepish smile to keep up appearances.

 

The interviewer- Jessy- looks pretty pleased with their answers and wraps up the interview with a 'thanks for coming'. Everyone starts walking off toward the door of the studio where Ronald’s waiting for them.

 

Harry walks behind them as if on auto-pilot, Zayn slows down to walk next to him but says nothing. Harry appreciates it.

 

“That was good, for the most part. Harry, are you okay?” Ronald is looking at him with accusing eyes and Harry just wants to go home.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“What was that about—“

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Look, we’ve discussed this. You can’t say—“

 

“I don’t want to talk about this. Are we done here?”

 

He can tell everyone is staring at him. He’s usually the calm one of the lot, the one that doesn’t lose his cool. But right now, he’s hanging on by a mere thread. 

 

He’d like to go home to Gemma and watch shit telly before falling asleep on her lap. She has been wonderful through all of this. Even though she doesn’t know what is wrong. She hasn’t asked. And if she had, he wouldn’t be able to answer.

 

“Alright, you all look very tired. I’ll let you get back now. Tomorrow’s your day off so I’ll see you lads on Thursday then. Cheers.”

 

And with that Harry turns around to walk out the door when Liam’s voice stops him short.

 

“Harry, are you okay mate?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired is all.”

 

“You don’t seem so good. Everything okay at home?”

 

A dry chuckle escapes him before he says, “What home?”

 

All the others wince when the words leave his mouth and he feels a little bad for saying that. 

 

“Hazza, you want to talk about it mate?”

 

“No Niall, I’m all good. Just need a bit of sleep.”

 

“Okay. I’ll see you all tomorrow then. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow for the radio show. Zayn, Li you guys are coming right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Yes.”

 

They all start toward their cars after a round of hugs and goodbyes. Harry cleverly avoids going near Louis and walks swiftly toward his car when he hears footsteps following him. He keeps walking, hoping his luck would spare him. Just this once. It doesn’t.

 

“Haz”

 

That’s all it takes. His feet stop moving and his hand freezes over the car handle just as the words hang in the air. That’s all it takes to stop him where he is. He wishes he was strong enough to fight it. He knows he isn’t.

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

He wishes he could just step into his car and race away. He knows he can’t.

 

“No.”

 

“What was that in there?”

 

“What was what?” He knows what.

 

“You know what. Are you—“

 

Silence.

 

“Harry, what did you mean?”

 

He can’t bring himself to speak.

 

“Why are you doing this to me? I can’t, you know I can’t--" 

 

“It wasn’t about you.”

 

He waits, listens for a response. It doesn’t come. 

 

And then.

 

“What do you mean? What the fuck do you mean it wasn’t about me? Haz, look at me. What are you saying?”

 

He can feel the heat seep through his thin shirt where Louis is gripping his arms. He feels his startling blue eyes darting across his face, looking for an expression. Any expression. Harry doesn’t give him one.

 

“Harry, what do you mean it wasn’t about me?”

 

“It wasn’t.”

 

That’s all he can bring himself to say. 

 

He feels Louis’ hands slip from around his arms and he feels the loss cut deep through his bones but he hangs on. He hangs on to that familiar bitter feeling spreading through his chest that’s now become a part of him. 

 

Louis stands there looking up at his face but Harry knows he can’t look back. He knows he’s fighting a losing battle. He knows he can’t look at that face and hold back. He’s known for years. Only now, the urge is too strong. And he’s weak. He’s lost all his strength. 

 

He turns around and jumps into his car before Louis can stop him again. He doesn’t even put on his seat belt in his hurry to get out of there. As he skids out of the car park, he catches Louis rooted to the same spot through his rear-view mirror and he has to clench down on the urge to turn around and run to him. 

 

He looks ahead and speeds away till he gets to a safe distance and he knows he won’t turn around. 

 

He has to slow down eventually to put on his seat-belt. But even then he doesn’t stop, too afraid of what he might do if he stops. Run back to Louis.

 

He has blink away wetness from his eyes but he doesn’t let it fall. No, he’s stronger than that. Or at least he’s a great pretender.

 

He gets home to Gemma watching Telly and eating ice cream from the tub. She looks at him and offers him the warm smile he’s gotten used to in the past couple years. They used to be cat and mouse when they were younger. But ever since he’s been pushed into this new life and forced to grow up, they’ve left the bickering to the good days. Most days now, they are here for each other. Mostly, Gemma’s here for him. Because she’s strong. She’s his rock. And she 'don’t need no man, Harry'.

 

He slips off his boots and sits down on the couch next to her. She puts her arm instinctively around him and offers him the ice cream. When he refuses, she looks back at him for a second before gesturing at him to lie down in her lap. He’s been waiting for her to say that for the whole day. 

 

They watch re-runs of the Big Fat Quiz late into the night with take-out containers strewn over the coffee table. Harry feels a twinge of pain when he remembers how the coffee table at his and Louis’ flat always used to be covered in take-away containers. But he thrusts it down like the rest of it. He buries it.

 

At some point in the night he wakes up to Gemma putting a blanket over him and smiling down warmly when he opens his eyes.

 

“I’m going to bed, see you in the morning baby bro.”

 

“Night, Gem. Love you.”

 

“Love you too, Harry.”

 

She kisses him on the forehead before switching off the light and retreating into her room. He is reminded of another time when someone else used to kiss him on the forehead before falling asleep. He feels a stray tear leak out of his eye and streak down his cheek before falling down onto his hand under his head. He closes his eyes and falls asleep. 

***


	2. You'll never know, how to make it on your own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone who read or commented, for letting me know you liked it. And I've already written up another chapter. This one is Louis-centric. This fic is a bit more personal to me in that many of the thoughts in this I've personally experienced. Anyway, I hope it's good!
> 
> *** - Paragraph breaks  
> ***** - Flashbacks

Louis wakes up to a loud bang outside the window, it’s still dark out and deathly silent other than the noise that woke him up. He lifts his head a little to look around and it takes him a second to realize he’s not in his bed. He’s in Harry’s. Clutching an old sweater of his that he never came to collect.

 

He puts his head back down and turns to lie on his back, still holding on to the soft wool in his hand staring at the ceiling. It’s been a few weeks but he can still smell Harry on the pillows and almost feel a ghost touch of his warm skin.

 

But he’s not here. Louis knows this. He’s alone in the flat. In their flat. 

 

That’s why he’s in this room rather than his own. He’s feeling lonely is all. He’s just missing his best friend. 

 

He forces his eyes shut and falls asleep to dreams of Harry and him playing footie like they did during the x factor when everything wasn’t so complicated.

 

***

 

Louis wakes up to his phone ringing incessantly on the night-stand. He darts an arm out wildly and finally reaches the phone but not before knocking over the empty water bottles littered on the stand.

 

“’lo?”

 

“Lou, don’t tell me you’re still in bed. You’re supposed to be here in fifteen minutes for the interview.”

 

“Ugh, fine I’ll get up. Just give me two more minutes.”

 

“No, you don’t have two minutes, Louis. Ronald’s going to bite our heads off if we don’t get this interview right. He’s still mad about that little stint you and Harry pulled. Just get your arse down here now.”

 

Zayn disconnects when he’s finished talking not even giving Louis a chance to answer him. He groans and rolls over to get a mouthful of wool. 

 

“Jesus!” he sputters but that doesn’t stop him from breathing in the familiar scent that grounds him even to this day. Even after three years of living this life, of being in the world’s biggest boy band, Harry grounds him. 

 

Well, that’s what best mates do.

 

He hops into the shower and runs around to get ready, he doesn’t slow down till he finally gets to the studio to find Lou waiting in the door with a pair of straightners in her hand and a pinched expression on her face.

 

“You were supposed to be in hair and make-up ten minutes ago, Louis. If Ronald yells at me for this, I’m giving you up.”

 

He mock-gasps and clutches his hand to his chest. “You wouldn’t.”

 

“Just sit down, Tommo.”

 

He flashes her a smile and sits down to let her work her magic and turn his hair into a carefully styled nest that he’s come to love. Out of the corner of his eye he spies Liam and Niall walking in chatting about something with Zayn following close behind.

 

“Alright, boys?”

 

“Lou! You made it. I thought we were going to get another lecture. ”

 

“For God’s sake, Niall.”

 

“Now if only Harry shows up sometime soon.”

 

Before he can ask anyone any questions there is a flurry of movement as Harry Styles walks in followed closely by their head PR rep Ronald Green. He looks mad.

 

“You were supposed to be here half an hour ago. And now we won’t have time for make-up and—“

 

“I think I look just fine. Alright, boys?”

 

“Harry, you can’t keep doing this. I know you have had some problems but this is unacceptable. And for god’s sake stop walking!”

 

“I’m going out for a smoke, you want to join me?”

 

Louis looks up sharply from where he’s been pointedly avoiding looking at Harry. He can’t quite believe his ears when Harry says that. He hates smoking. Makes it a point to let them all know when Zayn goes for a smoke or on the rare occasion that Louis does. 

 

“Since when do you smoke?” Ronald looks like he is done with everybody and is going to start screaming any second.

 

“Since now.” Harry tosses over his shoulder and walks out through the alley door. 

 

Louis can feel four pairs of eyes trained on him but he chooses to keep reading about the interesting world of ‘Runway Looks’.

 

He can feel the change in the air when Harry steps back into the studio. All the other lads are now standing up straighter looking on as the younger boy saunters towards them.

 

“You okay, Haz?”

 

“I’m alright, you lads?”

 

“Yeah, we’re all good. So what’s that about smoking, then?”

 

“Had to get him off my back somehow.”

 

“So you’re not smoking then?”

 

Louis looks over to see what Harry would say. All he offers is an explicit wink thrown at Zayn before Ronald calls them over for the interview.

 

Louis is beyond confused.

 

***

 

He automatically goes to sit beside Harry but as soon as he’s in the seat, the younger boy gets up and moves to the next seat over. 

 

Louis looks up to convey his irritation and anger but all he sees is Harry offering him a sheepish smile and pointing toward Ronald who is sitting just behind the left camera man. 

 

They’ve always wanted Louis and Harry to sit apart. That never stopped them before. But now Harry follows their every word, apparently. Well, okay then.

 

Louis doesn’t care.

 

That’s what he tells himself the whole way through as the interviewer talks about everything from their families to their hair and then the bombshell.

 

“So Louis, how’s your girlfriend doing? You guys have been together for a long time, how does that fit in with all the travelling and the fame?”

 

Before he can even open his mouth and form a reply, his eyes wander over to his left to Harry’s face as if on instinct. He looks like he couldn’t care less about Louis.

 

He knows that’s not true.

 

But it still hurts to see Harry feign ignorance and look so indifferent. Louis steamrolls on.

 

“Yeah, she’s fine. Doing good. By now she’s gotten used to me not being there all the time so we’re doing good. Yeah.”

 

“What about you, Harry? Anyone you’re interested in? Haven’t seen your face on a magazine cover in a while, are you settling down finally? You’ve been really quiet these past few weeks. Any particular reason?”

 

“Sometimes in life you just want things you shouldn’t. That you convince yourself you shouldn’t. You try to go on as if nothing is wrong, as if there is not a storm brewing inside you that’s ready to spill out this second or the next. You pretend that you don’t feel the crippling need for something that you can’t have. Or someone. You just go on.”

 

He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what to do. His eyes are fixed on Harry and he can’t bring himself to look away. He wants to wrap his arms around Harry and just hold him. 

 

But Harry doesn’t acknowledge him at all. They sit through the rest of the interview like that. Like they’re not in the same room together. Pretending they can’t feel the connection that’s been there since he first laid eyes on the curly-haired boy three years ago. 

 

They get asked about Larry Stylinson - how this mess started in the first place - but he tries to hold in his emotions and just answer casually. Harry doesn’t speak a word, like he normally doesn’t when this topic is brought up. Only now, Louis knows why.

 

*****

 

“I can’t do this anymore, Louis.”

 

“What are you talking about, Haz? Just come back here and give us a kiss.” 

 

Louis giggles as he stretches an arm out to pull Harry back on the couch beside him where they're playing truth or dare and Niall is about to eat a disgusting concoction of eggs and jelly. Harry and he had been cuddling on the couch while everyone else egged Niall on. When all of a sudden Harry stood up and pushed Louis' arm away that had just found its way around Harry's neck. 

 

“No. I told you I can’t do this anymore.”

 

“Do what? Are you still mad about the clothes? I promise I will put them in the laundry tomorrow morning.”

 

“You just don’t get it, Louis. You never get it.”

 

“Get what?”

 

“I’m leaving.”

 

Harry turns around and walks out of the living room meandering through the partying crowd and toward his bedroom with Louis following close by.

 

“Harry, what is it? Why are you so upset?”

 

“I’m just done with all of this, Lou. I can’t keep doing this.”

 

“Can’t keep doing what, babe?”

 

“This. You and me. Like this.”

 

“You’ve completely lost me, Harold.”

 

“They can see it. They can all see it. Why can’t you?!”

 

“Harry, what—“

 

“They all see the way I look at you. And how I can’t stop touching you, they keep saying I am mad about you, and I—“

 

“Oh god, not again. How many times do I have to tell you to stop listening to those people? They just want entertainment, Harry. At our expense. It’s bulls—“

 

“Don’t say it, Lou. Please. Don’t.”

 

“What?”

 

“They always talk about that day when Simon put us together and we got through. How you jumped up into my arms and I held you even though we didn’t know each other.”

 

“Harry—“

 

“That day, that was the moment I fell in love with you. I told myself it was just a phase. That I’d get over it. But then you crawled your way into my life. You just, you made it impossible for me not to fall for you. Every little touch, every little caress and I felt my heart in my throat. But I held on, thinking, hoping, wishing that you would feel the same way. Some day.

 

Otherwise, why would you keep touching me like that and looking at me all the time? Why would you glare at the lads when they got close to me? Why would you dance with me like that at that AnchorCert party in front of everyone? And Wellington? Why would you get that compass on your arm after I got the ship? Why would you crawl into my bed every night? I kept waiting and now I can’t anymore.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say. He’d never thought Harry would say something like this. Why would he? They are best mates.

 

“Hazza, have you been reading those Larry Stylinson blogs again? I’ve told you they’re just deluded teen—“

 

“I’m in love with you. I have been for three years now. But I can’t anymore.”

 

He doesn’t say anything. He can’t. 

 

“Alright, I’ve got my answer. I just didn’t think that you would see me as this frivolous.”

 

“Haz, wait—“

 

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

 

“I thought you weren’t ready yet, that you needed some time. You kept going out with Eleanor during the day and then climbing into my bed at night and I thought ‘he just needs some time’. You kept getting drunk and dancing with me at parties and every night I’d think, ‘Tonight. Tonight he’s going to say it’. But every morning I’d wake up to another cover of you and your girlfriend partying.

 

Every time that you touched me, I lost myself. I was so close to breaking down so many times but I held on. I tamed my urge to just take. But I can’t anymore. With all the parties in the flat and the nights spent in bed spooning and the drunk kisses that I’m not even sure happened. I just can’t be around you anymore.

 

You’ve made it clear that you don’t feel anything. I heard it. And it’s going to be alright. I’m going to make this work. We have to work together after all, and tour. I’ll sort this out.”

 

Louis just keeps staring at the carpet under his feet while Harry talks so slow it feels like he’s wrenching the words out painfully.

 

“I’m moving out.”

 

He looks up sharply to make sure that he heard that correctly, Harry said it so quietly. 

 

“I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.”

 

Louis stands up abruptly at that and he doesn’t think when his arms shoot out to stop Harry when he turns around. 

 

“Let me go, Louis.”

 

He doesn’t want to. 

 

“Don’t hurt me anymore.”

 

He can’t hold on after that. He lets go.

 

*****

 

Louis stands off to the side listening to Ronald telling Harry off for saying what he said in the interview. He can’t help but feel guilty. 

 

Harry had left the flat two weeks ago and not returned since. Louis still isn’t sure what had happened. He had lost a best mate. And he wasn’t sure how.

 

Harry talks back to Ronald and everyone including Louis just stands there stunned to hear the aggression in his voice. He was never the angry kind, always talking real slow even though you could tell his patience was running thin but right now he looks at Ronald defiantly as if waiting for him to challenge Harry. He doesn’t.

 

When Ronald walks away leaving them be, the lads immediately turn toward Harry, and Liam starts asking him if he’s okay. Louis can hardly pay attention to the words, all his focus is on Harry.

 

He hasn’t been around him for weeks. And he’s not used to being apart from his best mate for this long. Whether on tour or home, he just hasn’t been away from Harry for this long in years and he doesn’t know how to deal with this distance.

 

He doesn’t know how to deal with not being able to reach out and touch Harry at any moment he wants. He doesn’t know how to not stand next to Harry and sit next to him and whisper things in his ear every breathing moment. He just doesn’t know.

 

But Harry’s not even looking at him, his head is bowed and he lashes out saying he’s just tired and needs sleep. Louis wonders if Harry’s having trouble sleeping too like he is. If he lays awake in bed feeling hot and cold at the same time and missing the feeling of familiar skin on his. He wonders, but he doesn’t say anything.

 

Harry shoots down their concern and soon enough everyone starts walking toward the car park. Louis is not sure what was said between the lads, he was too busy looking at Harry and waiting for some sort of acknowledgment. Some sort of response that yes, Louis still exists. That he still matters to Harry.

 

Everyone walks away to their cars and he tries to do the same. He tries to walk to his car and not follow Harry like he’s done for the past three years - follow Harry wherever he went, no questions asked.

 

He finds it a hard habit to break, plus he has questions today.

 

“Haz?”

 

He’s filled with a sick sort of pleasure when he sees Harry pause the second the words leave his mouth. He does matter, then, after all. 

 

He wants to say so many things, wants to wrap his arms around his curly boy but he knows he can’t. He can’t bring himself to say, ‘Let’s go home, Haz. Please. Just come back home. I can’t live like this. I can’t do this without you.’

 

Instead he chooses to ask the question that has been eating at him for a while now. 

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

“No.” He says but Louis knows him inside out and he knows Harry would never say ‘yes’ to that question no matter who asked. That’s just not Harry. 

 

“What was that in there?”

 

Harry decides to play dumb and it’s pulling at his patience. Louis just wants to turn him around and pull him into his arms and tell him to come back home. But he can’t.

 

Harry wouldn’t listen. He didn’t listen last time. Or the one before that. And Louis just can’t keep getting hurt like this, because every time Harry said no, he went home to an empty house and stood in the shower for hours so he could pretend he wasn’t crying.

 

He just can’t hear no again.

 

So he won’t ask him to come back but he does need to know if Harry is alright, and what he meant by that answer in the interview. 

 

“It wasn’t about you.”

 

Louis doesn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t this. He stands there in the dark trying to keep his face blank when his insides are starting up a storm of their own. That little voice in his head laughing at him, ‘Did you think he was going to wait around? Just because you’re a loser and have to sleep with his sweater every night doesn’t mean he can’t go on with his life without you. Is that what you thought?’

 

And he can’t listen to that voice anymore. It’s been there all his life telling him he’s not good enough. ‘Not good enough at school, failed your A-levels, you tosser. Not good enough at footie, they just keep you around as an extra. Not good enough at singing, you sound like a twelve year old boy, they only keep you around to do chorus.’ 

 

But he can’t listen to that voice telling him Harry doesn’t want him. He can’t.

 

“What do you mean? What the fuck do you mean it wasn’t about me? Haz, look at me. What are you saying?”

 

“It wasn’t.”

 

He’s never feared anything as much as he feared hearing those words from Harry in the two seconds that it took him to answer. 

 

His hands that he didn’t even know were gripping Harry’s arms slip and he stumbles a bit while his eyes rake over the face that’s been the most familiar thing in his life for the past three years. 

 

He doesn’t have the strength to move or do anything and then Harry jumps in his car and races away. He stands glued to the spot as he feels a warmth settle over his cheek. Only when the breeze cuts across his face and makes him shiver does he realize that he’s got tears streaking down his cheeks. 

 

He wipes them away with his arm and sucks in a deep breath before walking over to his car and getting in to drive off without a second thought. 

 

'Strong' comes on the radio and he punches it without a second’s consideration.

 

Going home to a cold, empty room is now his reality. This flat that was once his heaven, where he could always hear excited chatter from his best mates and Harry’s slow drawl dragging on lazy Sunday mornings while he cooked and Louis sat at the kitchen table half asleep, it's cold and quiet now.

 

He looks at all the photos in the hallway, of them as a band. And then all the ones that fans took of Harry and him standing so close even air couldn’t pass through. All the ones where they’re smiling at each other or pointing things out to each other.

 

If he feels a tug at his heart, he ignores it in favour of a long hot shower.

 

He slips into his bed finally exhausted enough that he could fall asleep any second but he doesn’t.

 

An hour later, he still lies awake staring at the ceiling. But then he finally gives in and pads out to the other master bedroom in the flat. It’s like walking into a different world, the scent hits him the second he steps inside and Louis gives in.

 

This is the bedroom they shared for years even though it was technically Harry’s and Louis had his own. And now he can’t fall asleep till he smells Harry on the sheets and feels his sweater in his hands. 

 

It’s like he doesn’t know how to exist without Harry.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like where this is going? Drop a line!


	3. Don't let it break you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's finally gone back to England, thank all religious deities.

Harry wakes up the next day to Gemma rushing about the living room and muttering under her breath, probably trying not to disturb him. 

 

“Gem?”

 

“Oh hey Harry, sorry I woke you up. I can’t find my bloody textbook. Had a reading due last night and I think I had it down here. Now I’m going to be late for class again.”

 

“Did you check under the sofa?”

 

“Aha.”

 

She stands up with the book held high above her head and a huge grin on her face.

 

“What would I do without you, Curly?”

 

He smiles at her but can’t help the sinking feeling when he hears her call him that. She notices and sits down beside him with her book in her lap.

 

“We should talk about it. Tonight, yeah? I’m going to run now but we’ll have a chat when I get back.”

 

He nods at her and offers a smile he hopes doesn’t look like a serial killer’s trying to buy rope at a hardware store. She ruffles his hair on her way out and as the door clicks shut, he sighs and lies back down on the sofa.

 

***

 

The next time he wakes up is to a loud ringing coming from somewhere near his feet. The sun is up outside and light is streaming through the tiny spaces in the curtains. He groans a bit when he can’t reach the phone even after stretching quite a bit, have to sit up then.

 

When he does finally get to it, the screen is lit up with a familiar name.

 

“Harry! I was wondering when you’d pick up. Just waking up, I presume?”

 

“Yeah, I have a free day.”

 

“Well, not for long. I am going to this club party tonight and you’re coming with me.”

 

“Nick, I don’t know—“

 

“Harry, I want you to listen carefully. Are you listening?”

 

“I am.”

 

“You’ve been under the weather a bit, yeah? I think you need to get out. Just, go out for a bit. John’s coming along and just come for a bit, yeah? Get a drink or two.”

 

“Okay. I’ll come. Text me when and where.”

 

“Brilliant. Listen Harry, you’re going to be fine, yeah? It’s just a glitch.”

 

“Thanks, Nick.”

 

“Anytime, mate. So I’ll see you tonight then.”

 

“Yeah, cheers.”

 

He falls back down on the couch and closes his eyes for a second. Nick is right, it is just a glitch. He’ll be fine. Everything is going to be alright. He just needs to distract himself a bit. And what better way than to go out drinking with Nick and John. Well, it’s going to be a fun night.

 

***

 

So spending his day on tumblr was probably not the best idea. He had just gone on twitter for a while, to check up on what waves yesterday’s interview had created when he stumbled upon a video one of his followers had tweeted to him and Louis both.

 

And opening up something labeled ‘Larry Stylinson’ definitely wasn’t his best decision. But it was right there and he was curious. 

 

He should’ve stopped the second the first photo came on. He should’ve stopped when the lyrics started ‘Won’t stop till we surrender’. He should’ve stopped when he felt the familiar sting in his chest. Should’ve stopped when he felt tears streaming down his face. 

 

But he doesn’t stop till Gemma finds him on the floor still clutching his phone and watching the video for the fifth time or god knows how many. He’s stock still, no movement other than his eyes following every time Louis touched him or smiled at him or looked at him in the video.

 

***

 

Gemma isn’t feeling very forgiving when she finds her little brother on the floor still in last night’s clothes and so lost to the world, he didn’t even hear her come in.

 

“Oh Harry, come here, love.”

 

She snatches away the phone from him and sits down beside him.

 

“You want to tell me what this is about? Although I have a pretty good idea.”

 

She turns her head to look at Harry when he doesn’t respond and all she sees is her little brother looking straight ahead at the wall, not even blinking, his face a complete blank mask.

 

“Hazza? Have you eaten all day?”

 

She shakes him a little to see if he would answer and it’s like he is broken from a trance. His eyes shift about the room quickly before they settle on her and he looks surprised. As if he hadn’t realized that Gemma was there.

 

“Okay, up. Come on, let’s get some food in you and then we need to talk.” 

 

It’s quite a task to get Harry up from the floor and to the kitchen table. He complies easily but he’s in some sort of hypnotized state where she has to repeat everything twice to get him to listen. All the bickering and fighting aside, it’s absolutely killing her to see her baby brother like this.

 

She had never figured that she was protective over the little shit but here they are. She knows she would kill to keep Harry safe without a second thought. She’s just hoping it doesn’t come to that. 

 

“Okay, so I haven’t asked till now because I didn’t want to pry. But this is not healthy anymore, Haz. Mum is worried about you and she keeps asking me what’s wrong and I don’t know what to tell her. Just talk to me. Please.”

 

“I thought he felt it too. I thought he loved me too, Gem.”

 

“Oh Harry, what happened, love?”

 

“He doesn’t feel anything. Nothing. He said I was delusional because I read all the blogs.”

 

“Harry, you know they read into things and sometimes—“

 

“I lived with him, Gem. For three years. And I waited. I thought he knew.”

 

She doesn’t know what to say. A wave of guilt washes her over as she thinks of all the times when Harry leaned a bit too much into Louis’ touch or when he stared at him and smiled a private smile when he thought no one was looking. She’s known for a while now. She’s known that Harry was in love with Louis. But she thought Louis loved him back. That’s why she never brought it up with Harry. She thought they had it sorted.

 

And now here he is. Choking on his words and trying to hold back tears.

 

“We’re best mates, I know that, but do all best mates sleep in the same bed every night? Do all best mates touch each other every chance they get? Do all best mates get matching tattoos? I am losing my mind, Gem. He says we’re just really good mates. I just--I feel like the last three years have been a lie. Am I delusional, Gemma?”

 

“No, you’re not. You’re just in love.”

 

“What do I do? How do I stop this? I feel like I’m drowning, like I’m always going to feel this way and there’s no getting away. I know that’s not true but what do I do? I just want it to stop hurting. For just one moment, I want it to stop.”

 

“You need to get your mind off him, Harry. I know Louis and don’t get me wrong, I love him, but I know him too. And I know you. You’re just hurting yourself because you’re expecting. You’re hoping. You need to stop expecting anything from him.”

 

“I don’t, I can’t. I don’t know what to do. He’s been there for so long and now I’m alone. And I—“

 

“Hey, you’re not alone. What about the other lads? Do they know what’s going on?”

 

“I haven’t told anyone. I don’t think he has either. They just know that I moved out.”

 

“Okay. Honestly, I think you need to go out a bit. Not for work, but like with friends for drinks. I mean, I don’t know if you both want to bring the boys in the middle of this but you need a distraction.”

 

“Nick and John are going to a party tonight. I said I’d go but—“

 

“You’re going. I don’t want to force you, Harry, but trust me: you need to stop thinking about this all the time. Just go out for a bit, have a drink or two and just forget about all this for a while. I know it’s not easy. You’ve lived with this for three years but you need to let go now. You can’t let it break you.”

 

He nods at her but his eyes are still trained on the table. She lunges forward to wrap her arms around him, hoping that he knows he has someone. Even if that someone is not who he wants it to be.

 

“You will be fine, Haz. I promise. You just have to give yourself a chance. Let yourself forget.”

 

They stay like that for awhile, Harry’s hands came around her at one point, holding on tight. She trails her hand through his hair and kisses his forehead when he finally drops his arms from around her.

 

“Thanks, Gem. I’ll go get ready.”

 

“Oh please do, I should finally get some peace from your ugly mug.”

 

It really does feel like the sun is shining bright from behind the clouds when Harry smiles at her with all his glory and dimples. She can’t help but return the smile. 

 

He’s going to be just fine, she thinks.

 

***

 

Nick looks like he’s already had a few when John opens the door for Harry to jump into the backseat next to him. He wiggles around a bit to get comfortable while Nick drapes himself all over Harry and giggles into his neck.

 

“Harry! My mate, the love of me life! How are you, then?”

 

“I’m good, Nick. You’re very happy, I see.”

 

John snorts from the driver’s seat and looks at them through the rear-view mirror. He waves at Harry and gestures at him to let him know Nick’s pretty gone.

 

“It’s all a mask, my friend. We’re all unhappy losers. That’s why we’re going out tonight. I’m going to get you pissed and possibly laid. Onward, John!”

 

It does end up being every bit as mad as Nick had promised him it would be. There were paps everywhere when they got out of the car and they kept asking him if he was okay, if someone broke his heart. 

 

He tries not to think about those questions as he walks into the club next to a drunk Nick, and plasters a huge fake smile on his face - with dimples and all. He walks straight to the bar and downs two shots before he’s even looked around.

 

Nick looks pleased as John guides them over to a more private part of the club and they finally get to talking. It’s been a while since he’s been out with people who were not Louis. Or any of the other boys. He likes the freedom, the fact that he can do what he wants without a lot of people bothering them. 

 

He can feel the buzz by the time he’s sipping on a fruity concoction that John got him instead of the neat whiskey he asked for. Nick is still not back from the toilet where he went a good fifteen minutes ago. He gives them a thumbs up and an exaggerated wink thrown toward Harry when he finally reappears twenty minutes later.

 

“You look awfully cheery.”

 

“Just had my brains sucked out of my dick, not a lot bothers a man after that.”

 

“Oh god, I didn’t need to know that.”

 

“Disgusting, Grimshaw.”

 

“You’re just jealous because you didn’t get any. Speaking of, why aren’t you? And where’s your ‘protector of Harold’s virtue and maidenhood’?”

 

Nick must notice the change in his demeanor because he shifts closer to Harry and puts an arm around his shoulder to lean in.

 

“Is that why you’re miserable and moping? I won’t ask you what happened but I will say this, I’ve always hated that bastard. He doesn’t deserve you.”

 

“Nick—“

 

“No really, I might be drunk and not very coherent but Harry, you deserve better. That prick, pardon my French, does not deserve you. I just--I don’t mean to pry or rub it in but I’ve seen the way you look at him. And if he doesn’t see it, then he’s losing out on the most important thing. And you, you just have to move on.

 

I know that sounds cliché, move on. But trust me, from personal experience, no one holds you back more than you do.”

 

Nick smiles at him with such seriousness that for a second, Harry thinks he sees pain in those usually happy eyes. But it’s gone as soon as he blinks. Then Nick is offering him another fruity drink as John comes and sits next to him with his drink in hand.

 

Harry thinks about what Nick said. And what Gemma had told him. And he makes a decision.

 

“You want a dance, Grimmy?”

 

“Bloody hell, yes!”

 

And he doesn’t remember much after that. Countless shots and faceless blokes dancing against him like a pillar later, he finds himself being led out by John who had become their designated driver at some point. Nick is grinning next to him as they stumble out of the club, and he doesn’t even know why but he’s laughing at the paps who are asking him if he’s gay. Well, he is leaving a gay club. That thought makes him grin ever harder. 

 

He doesn’t stop when they ask him for photos or comments. He keeps walking with Nick plastered to his side and giggling about something he’s just said. He walks to the car and falls asleep instantly.

 

When he wakes up the next morning, it’s to irritating sunlight hitting his face and campy music drafting in from the kitchen where Gemma is singing along annoyingly loud.

 

“Shut up, will you?”

 

“Look who’s finally gracing us with his presence! When I said go out for a drink, I didn’t mean come home pissed and throw up on all my trainers by the door.”

 

“Gemma, please stop yelling.”

 

“Just get your arse up and get to the kitchen. Some Ronald Green or Blue or sommat called to let you know you’re needed in the studio in an hour.”

 

“What?”

 

“Some Ronald Green or so—“

 

“I heard you.”

 

“Then why’d you ask again?”

 

“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you? I’ll buy you new shoes, God!”

 

“That you will. But you still need to get up. He didn’t sound very pleased.”

 

“Of course he didn’t.”

 

“You teenagers with your hangovers and your pitiful bladders.”

 

“I’m twenty.”

 

“Then act like it, face the hangover like an adult.”

 

“Gemma?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Please shut up.”

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments keep me going, so come on..


	4. It's time for me to fall apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get the British slang right, I'm really trying. I hope it's not too annoying.

He is lost in this odd world where Harry is standing near the Midfield line of the Keepmoat Stadium with a little boy sitting on his shoulders and both of them are beaming at someone. Harry stumbles about a bit and the little boy grips his hair even harder and giggles while pointing to someone on the field. There are faceless people playing footie and then there’s a face he recognises. Himself.

 

Harry and the little boy are waving at him. He is playing football for the Doncaster Rovers – and this is no charity match, he can tell – and Harry is on the field cheering him on. And he’s got a kid on his shoulders, who is looking at Louis and shouting something.

 

He feels this odd sense of serenity settle over him.

 

And of course that’s when he wakes up to his phone stubbornly ringing on the nightstand. 

 

“Louis, you need to get to the studio. Now.”

 

He wonders when Zayn got to be more of a morning person than him. Don’t get him wrong, he was never fond of mornings but they had to actually draw straws to see which unlucky bastard would have to wake Zayn up during the X factor days. And now he’s calling and waking Louis up. Which, he’s sure that Zayn is not yelling but it sure feels like it. Or maybe it’s the hangover.

 

Because Louis is not himself anymore, he doesn’t go out with friends on his free days anymore or has parties at his flat or play FIFA with the boys. No, he sits alone at home and starts drinking at 11 and drinks his way through the whole day while moping about the flat alone. That’s all he did yesterday, just walked from room to room and stared at walls while emptying the umpteenth bottle of vodka Harry had left behind.

 

Harry.

 

That’s why all of this is happening in the first place. Because he doesn’t like living alone. 

 

And that’s why he went and trashed the place. That’s why he crawled into Harry’s bed and clutched his sweater all night.

 

“Lou, are you there? Look, Ronald’s here and he’s going mental—“

 

“When’s he not?” He grumbles trying to ease the dull throb in his temple with his hand.

 

“Listen, he said this is an emergency meeting. Harry’s gone and done something. Ronald’s got us all here and he called Gemma, asked her to send Harry and you—“

 

“He what?”

 

“Just get here, will you? I’ll tell you then—“

 

“Is that Styles on the phone? Tell him to get here now.” He hears Ronald yelling in the background, he’s referring to Harry by his last name. This can’t be good.

 

“Zayn, what’s he—“

 

“Just get here, Louis, okay? It’s not that bad but still just drive safe, yeah?”

 

“Okay, I’ll see you in fifteen.”

 

“No Louis, don’t rush ov—“

 

He hangs up before Zayn can lecture him about safe driving. Harry’s gone and done something bad enough that they have an emergency meeting, safe driving can take the back seat for now.

 

He doesn’t know how but he’s in the car and driving over ten minutes later. While he’s not supposed to be someone who chews on his nails in nervousness- that’s Niall’s job - he is definitely doing it right now. 

 

‘Oh god Harry, what have you done now?’

 

All he can think about is Harry’s face the night he had stormed out of the flat. He had looked so angry but also sad and defeated at the same time. Like he’d just lost something important and couldn’t get it back, which okay Louis does not need to think about that right now too. There’s already enough to deal with.

 

He parks his car and rushes in to find the lads and Ronald sitting in the Conference Room but no Harry.

 

“Ah! There you are, Louis. I hope you didn’t drive too fast.”

 

“Where’s Harry?”

 

“Isn’t that the question of the hour! He’s supposed to be here by now. This is getting ridiculous.” Ronald doesn’t look very pleased.

 

“He’s on his way. Just texted me.” Niall speaks up from his seat. Zayn and Liam nod, before Louis has a chance to ask if they all got a text Ronald starts pacing about the room.

 

“So, what happened?” He can’t wait any longer, the curiosity is killing him.

 

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” He’s hardly sat down in his chair properly when a newspaper lands on the table in front of him, rather harshly. He sits up to reach for it just as the door to the room opens and Harry walks in.

 

Only he’s not the same Harry that Louis had seen two days ago in the studio. He is not wearing a button-down and his hair is not unruly.

 

He has on a dark shirt with the sleeves rolled up with safety-pins and his hair is held back by a headband and it looks greasy. Louis feels something flutter in his chest but he clamps down the urge to get up and walk over to Harry. He doesn’t know if his touch would be welcome anymore.

 

The old Harry would lean in and subtly get him to run his hands through his curls. This Harry would probably push his hand away if Louis tried to touch his hair.

 

He’s so lost in admiring the stranger - yet most familiar person in the room - that he almost misses the beginning of the conversation.

 

“Styles! Thank you for showing up. I feel like you are doing us quite a favour.”

 

“Just get to the point, Ronald.”

 

“I really don’t think you should be the one with the attitude right now.”

 

“Look, I don’t need this. Just tell me why you called. And please stop yelling, I have a bit of a head ache.”

 

“And why is that? Is it because you downed the whole bloody bar last night?”

 

“Will someone tell me what this is about?” He can’t sit there and watch this anymore, he needs to know what Harry’s done.

 

“This is what it’s about!”

 

Louis is confused for a second when Ronald says that and doesn’t offer an explanation but then he sees something move from the corner of his eyes and he turns to look at the projector screen and wishes he hadn’t.

 

There is a huge picture on the screen of Harry – a very drunk Harry – with Nick sodding Grimshaw next to him. Nick’s got Harry in a tight grip, like a fucking octopus, Louis thinks. He can’t help but cringe at the sight. Harry’s eyes are bloodshot and he’s looking straight at the camera like the flash doesn’t bother him anymore. But in the midst of all this, he has a huge grin on his face. He looks like he’s happy. Satisfied. Louis hasn’t seen him look like this since the night he left the flat. Or weeks before that. Months even.

 

He feels something warm on his hand and looks down to find Zayn’s hand resting on his which is turning white at the knuckles because he has a death grip on the table in front of him. 

 

He lets go reluctantly.

 

“Care to explain? What the fuck is this?”

 

“I went out with some mates, had a few drinks. What’s the problem? I am legal.”

 

“What’s the problem? Are you seriously asking me that?”

 

“I am, yes.”

 

“Okay. How about this, you and Louis insisted on moving in together. The Management didn’t want it but we let you. You stormed out of the flat at two in the morning. We let you. We told you not to say you were sleeping on your sister’s couch, you did it. We said don’t say anything about love interests, you gave her a fucking sonnet about needing people and letting go and whatnot. We told you don’t go to gay clubs, you got plastered at a gay club with Nick fucking Grimshaw. Do you see a pattern here?”

 

“Honestly, I think you should see a pattern here. Trying to control my personal life, that’s a pattern.”

 

“Okay I’m done with being polite, Styles. Here’s the deal, the higher-ups don’t like it when you are seen with Grimshaw. And they don’t like it when you go to gay clubs.”

 

“Well, then they’re really not going to like it when I go to the premiere of Free Fall tonight with Nick. Oh and I’ve got a lovely date, too.”

 

“THE FUCK YOU ARE!”

 

“I am.”

 

“You are bound by contract to follow the instructions we lay out. You can’t do this, we can sue—“

 

“You won’t. You need me. You need all of us. So here’s the thing: I will follow the rules about the music and PR events. But my personal life is none of your business. I’ve had enough. I will go wherever I want with whoever I want and you can’t stop me.”

 

Harry is standing up chest-to-chest with Ronald right now who ends up a couple inches shorter than Harry and is looking up at him with narrowed eyes. Harry is looking down challengingly at him with something dark and determined in his eyes that Louis can’t honestly say he’s seen before.

 

The room is silent except for Ronald gritting his teeth. Harry defiantly stares back at him until the older man backs down and runs his hand through his hair frustratingly while he paces about the room.

 

Harry walks out without another word and Louis gets up to go after him automatically but then it hits him that he can’t. His eyes go to the wall again where Harry’s photo from last night is staring back at him.

 

In a sudden moment, he’s reminded of his dream from this morning. Harry and the little boy cheering him from the side of the field. He feels an uncomfortable twist in his belly but he ignores it in favour of sitting back down and pretending that it never happened.

 

He finds the other lads all looking at him curiously, as if asking him why he’s not going after Harry. It’s not like he has an answer.

 

***

 

Things have calmed down a little by lunch time. Ronald doesn’t look like he’s going to stab Harry. And Harry - who had gone missing for a while – doesn’t look like he’s going to rip apart anything he lays eyes on. The heat behind his eyes has simmered down a bit but it still makes something under Louis’ skin burn. He ignores the sinking feeling in his belly every time Harry looks at him.

 

It goes over well in the end. They get a fair bit of recording done by five when Harry announces he needs to leave if he wants to make the Premiere in time. Everyone tenses up at that. Ronald walks over to put a hand on Harry’s shoulder which he shrugs off rather quickly.

 

“Why are you doing this? Huh? Go watch something else.”

 

“I want to watch this.”

 

“Look, I know you’re in a bad place right now. Things are not going great but you need to stop this. You can’t take it back once you do this.”

 

“Thanks for understanding but I’m not in a bad place, Ronald. Things are great.”

 

“You’re not going to that premiere, Styles.”

 

“Watch me.”

 

Everyone is standing rooted to the spot when Harry walks out of the recording room without sparing anybody a second glance. Louis is caught between running after him and going home to get pissed.

 

He knows he should go after Harry and get him to reconsider. He doesn’t know much about the premiere but he knows it’s a controversial German LGBT film that is sure to create big news especially if Harry shows up at the premiere. With Nick Grimshaw.

 

He hates Nick. 

 

He doesn’t want Harry to go with him.

 

Wait, didn’t he say he had a date?

 

But how? 

 

Harry’s single. He doesn’t have anyone to take. 

 

Then who is he taking?

 

Louis starts walking toward the door before he realises that he can’t ask Harry that. He’s lost the right to.

 

And he doesn’t have the answers Harry wants from him.

 

So instead of going after Harry, he gets into his car and rushes home.

 

The flat is empty. ‘Course it is, he laughs bitterly at himself before raiding the cupboard where they keep the booze. He takes out an unopened bottle of vodka and goes to sit down on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around him.

 

He doesn’t think about Harry laughing with Grimshaw from last night’s photos. He doesn’t think about Harry in a gay club with Nick fucking Grimshaw. He doesn’t think about Harry going to a premiere with him and a ‘date’. 

 

And he certainly doesn’t think about Harry with his sleeves rolled up showing off his tattoos and his hair held back with a head band. 

 

***

 

He wakes up to darkness around him and it takes him a minute to realise he’s home on the sofa with a bottle of vodka next to him. He sits up with a bit of an effort and walks over to turn on a light when he realizes he’s half-hard.

 

His mind goes back to Harry walking around angry and defiant and his dick twitches ever so slightly against his thigh. A gasp escapes his lips before he can stop it and a shudder runs down his spine. 

 

He’s left standing with his hand next to the switch on the wall in a dark room. He turns around and walks to the shower without turning any lights on. 

 

If he takes a cold shower with his clothes still on, it’s nobody’s business but his.

 

***

 

After ordering Indian take-out, he’s settled on the sofa again with a cold beer and food containers scattered on the table. His hand hesitates on the remote before he flips the channel to news and sees a familiar face on the screen.

 

‘One Direction superstar Harry Styles was seen arriving on the Red Carpet earlier with close friend and radio host, Nick Grimshaw. But that is not the shocking part. Apparently, Styles had a date along with him. And unlike his earlier conquests, this one was of the male persuasion. The man who looked—“

 

Beer snorts out of his nose and the Butter Chicken that was in his lap falls to the floor as he hurriedly stands up out of shock at what the reporter is saying.

 

He can’t believe his ears. 

 

‘—were seen smiling and posing for photographs. While Styles has been notorious for dating women considerably older than himself, this has definitely come as a surprise to his fan-girls, many of whom have taken to twitter sending their love and support to the recently turned twenty heartthrob. While Styles himself failed to comment on whether his male companion is more than a friend, he did say he was looking forward to the film and the company.’

 

Louis is absolutely lost. He can’t breathe. There’s a grainy video playing on the screen and he can make out Harry and Nick but he doesn’t see anyone else, until he does. 

 

There’s a boy, a man, walking next to Harry.

 

He’s got his hand on Harry’s back. Louis feels the sudden urge to rip that hand apart. 

 

He’s startled when the reporter starts talking again.

 

‘Our correspondent on the Red Carpet confirmed that Styles was indeed seen with his arm around his male ‘friend’. The two were seen whispering to each other and sharing a private laugh as they made their way down the Carpet. Styles has a penchant for being a charmer as has been seen from his previous affairs and here we see him wrapping a possessive arm around his date, we dare say. This has certainly been an interesting turn of events especially after Styles was quoted as saying ‘Sometimes, you just want things you shouldn’t’ in a recent interview. Is this what Harry was referring to? More on this story later.’

 

He feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. Like someone’s just reached in and pulled out his heart and walked away with it.

 

Why does he feel so short of breath?

 

Why is there no air in this room?

 

He jumps when his phone rings in his pocket and he reaches down with a shivering hand to see if it’s Harry calling to let him know it’s all a lie.

 

It’s not Harry.

 

Louis doesn’t pick up. 

 

The phone keeps ringing and it’s annoying him so he puts it to his ear before he has a chance to see who it is.

 

“Did you see it?”

 

It’s Zayn.

 

“Lou?”

 

“I did.”

 

“We were just watching it too, me and the lads. Do you want us to come over?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“I’m sure he’s just doing this to—“

 

“I’m fine, Zayn. I’ve got to go.”

 

“Lou—“

 

He sends Zayn a text saying he’s fine and that he’s going to bed just so they won’t come over.

 

He doesn’t want them to come over. He doesn’t want them to see him like this.

 

He walks over to the sofa and sits down with his bottle of vodka, not caring about the spilled food. He keeps staring at the telly as the reporter keeps talking about unimportant things.

 

He doesn’t know how long it’s been when a photo of Harry appears on the screen again. He turns up the volume and settles back down even though his head’s a bit wonky now.

 

‘—film’s over now and we had a chance to speak with Harry Styles earlier who was here with Nick Grimshaw and a male friend of his. Styles seemed very pleased with the film and told us ‘it was tragically beautiful. I just find it very disturbing that even in this age and time, the society does not accept love if they find it unconventional. I believe in equal rights for everyone. I think God loves all.’ Oh, how sweet. Well, it looks like he enjoyed the film. And the company, by the looks of that arm that’s slid down to the waist now.’

 

Louis feels tears pricking his eyes as he gulps down another mouthful of vodka. He stares adamantly at the screen even though it’s not Harry on there anymore.

 

He can’t do this.

 

***

 

He doesn’t realize what he’s doing till he’s standing in front of a familiar door and knocking adamantly. He’s got his hand in the air to knock again when the door swings opens and this is not who he was expecting.

 

“Louis? It’s so late, what are you doing here?”

 

“I—“

 

“Actually don’t answer that. Wait, are you pissed? You don’t look so good.”

 

“I am a bit, yes. Is he here?”

 

“Lou, I think you should go home.”

 

“I need to see him, Gem. Please.”

 

“He’s not here. He hasn’t come back from the film yet.”

 

Louis doesn’t feel his stomach drop. He doesn’t.

 

“You should go home.”

 

He doesn’t feel like burning up and freezing at the same time. He doesn’t.

 

“I need to see him.”

 

“Louis, I really think you should leave. He’s already hurt enough. You can’t put him through that again. I know you don’t want to hurt him so just go. Please.”

 

He doesn’t feel like someone’s stabbed him and is twisting the knife deeper and deeper before pulling it out and driving it in again. He doesn’t.

 

“He's my brother and I love him, I know you love him too but you can’t give him what he wants. And he’s been waiting patiently for years. Now he’s finally moving on, you can’t do this to him. If you care about him even a little, go home. Don’t let him see you like this. It’ll break him.”

 

He doesn’t feel anything.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Free Fall actually came out last year. It was beautiful, sad but beautiful. And I picked that one because I didn't know a more recent one. The title is from Miss missing you- Fall Out Boy. Sorry for any inaccuracies.


	5. My kiss can mend your broken heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an insight into how my brain works: Less/no comments=Shitty Chapter. I know it's a bit selfish of me but comments is the only way I can get any reinforcement when I do this so please bear with me.

Harry walks into the room expecting Ronald to ask him about last night and then move on to the recording. Turns out that’s not what Ronald has in mind. Instead, what he gets is a full-fledged grilling about why he went out with his mates.

 

Harry tries to be calm, he does, but he loses it when Ronald implies that he is not be seen with Nick or anywhere near gay clubs.

 

They’ve always had a policy of _‘I-don’t-need-to-know-if-you’re-anything-but-straight-just-don’t-show-it-in-public’_ around here. And he was okay with that till he thought Louis was going to be ready soon and together they could fight this. But since that went horribly, Harry’s now done with all the hiding and the pretending.

 

That’s why when he saw Grimmy’s text from this morning asking if he wanted to go to the premiere of Free Fall, he immediately said yes.

 

And now is the prefect time to let Ronald know that he’s doing this. Whether Management likes it or not.

 

But he is going to be calm about it. Like he usually is, and nice. Only Ronald goes and messes that up when he tells Harry that he can’t go to the premiere. Then, he loses it.

 

He might have said some things he wishes he hadn’t. He does feel a bit bad about raising his voice and being rude but then he remembers all the times he wasn’t allowed to go somewhere or do something because Management didn’t want him to.

 

Well, screw Management.

 

And that’s why he’s sitting in his car right now on the phone with Gemma and telling her what happened. She asks him if he really has a date and he comes clean about the fact that no, that part he made up in the heat of the moment.

 

Then Gemma - evil little elf Gemma, comes up with the most brilliant idea.

 

She tells him to hold the line and hands the phone to Daniel, who is polite as ever.

 

“Hey Harry, Gem tells me you’re in a bit of a fix.”

 

“I am, yes. I was wondering if you could help.”

 

“What can I do?”

 

“Would you be willing to watch Free Fall with me tonight at the Premiere? Also, you have to walk the Red Carpet with me.”

 

“Okay. I can do that. Can you hold for a second, I need to go and scream out the excitement. Here, talk to your sister.”

 

Harry laughs as he hears Daniel telling Gemma he loves her and would marry her if he wasn’t gay.

 

Harry likes him. Daniel’s helped him out a lot. They’d met the first night when Harry had come to Gemma’s flat in the middle of the night almost having a breakdown. He had been so patient with him and didn’t freak out that he was famous. That’s what he liked most about Daniel. He treated Harry like he was a normal bloke and not someone famous.

 

“I’m a great friend and an awesome sister. I can’t believe this worked out. He’s been talking about that film since last year.”

 

“I know. It’ll be good having him around. This might turn a bit sour but I promise I’ll take care of him.”

 

“No offense, Haz, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be the one taking care of your sorry arse.”

 

“Oh ha ha, we’ll see.”

 

“Yeah we will. Okay, I’ve got to go now, class is starting. You have a fun time at work, and don’t think too much about this. It’ll work out.”

 

“Yeah, thanks, Gem.”

 

“Talk later.”

 

He sits there and thinks about what he’s about to do. He knows this is a slippery slope but he also knows he can’t hide and pretend anymore. And if anyone is going to help him with this, it’s Daniel.

 

He already knows about Harry’s trouble and he’s the one Harry’s been going to ask for any advice lately. They’ve had a few heart-to-hearts by now and he quite likes Daniel. And he isn’t bad looking either.

 

Actually he’s pretty fit if Harry does let himself go there. And who knows, tonight might just work out better than he’s hoping.

 

But of course, Ronald has to go and shatter all his hopes. By now Harry thinks he should know that the one way to get Harry to do something is to tell him he can’t do it.

 

And that’s why he leaves the studio telling Ronald ‘ _Watch me_ ’ when he’s told that he can’t go to the premiere. Well, he’s not backing out now.

 

***

 

Daniel looks better than he does when they’re finally ready to leave and Harry’s pretty sure he would fit better at the Red Carpet. He says as much and sees Daniel’s whole face light up and it makes him look even more handsome, Harry thinks.

 

_Okay dangerous territory, brain._

 

The place is packed when they finally make it, they can hear people yelling from inside the car and Daniel looks a bit uneasy so Harry gets outs first and holds out his arm for his date.

 

He looks at Harry with a soft smile on his face that reminds him of someone but he pushes that thought far away. As they make their way toward the cameras, Daniel relaxes a little and now his arm is around Harry. He leans in and tells Harry to _watch and learn, son_. That makes him laugh out loud and then there’s flashes everywhere.

 

They have great seats and Daniel is really glowing right now because he’s so excited for the film. Harry feels happier just being around him, like his excitement is infectious. If he feels a twinge of remorse once in a while, he ignores it. After all, he can’t wait around forever.

 

***

 

The movie is great and he hasn’t had this much fun in a while, After the interviews are all done and they’re in the car, Daniel looks over at him and asks him if he would like to go for ice-cream. Harry can't think of a better way to end a very public night.

 

As they sit on a bench in a dark, empty park eating ice-cream, Daniel finally brings up the one topic they hadn’t talked about.

 

“So, how’s your mate going to like this?”

 

Harry can’t help the snort he gives at that.

 

“He wouldn’t care.”

 

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I might not be a ‘directioner’ but I have seen interviews and stuff. And that boy is totally smitten with you.”

 

“He’s really not. I asked him, he said no.”

 

He feels an arm come to rest around him and he leans in a little. It’s a bitty chilly out and Daniel is warm.

 

Harry can’t help but feel protected when Dan’s holding him like this. He lets everything spill. Daniel’s arm around him tightens when he tells him about all the lingering looks and the tattoos and the touching on stage and off.

 

“What does he say about the tattoos?”

 

“He said we just think too alike. And that mates get same tattoos all the time.”

 

Daniel snorts at that and pulls him in closer.

 

“That’s bullshit.”

 

He can’t help but shiver at that. That’s the word he hates the most.

 

Daniel notices this and places a chaste kiss on top of his head. Harry hasn’t felt this calm in a while. He smiles up at Daniel who returns one of his own before saying,

 

“I’ve got you.”

 

And that’s the last thing he thinks about before falling asleep on the sofa that night.

 

***

 

The next day is a shitstorm if he’s ever seen one. The moment he walks into the studio, he notices people looking at him differently. No one says anything but he can feel eyes on him wherever he goes.

 

When he gets into the recording room, everyone’s there but Louis. Which is kind of a relief and a bother at the same time. He doesn’t have to face Louis when he does this but then now he probably would have to talk to him separately.

 

“Alright, lads?”

 

“Harry, how’re you?”

 

“I’m good, Nailler. You?”

 

“I’m good. So, you have fun last night?”

 

He looks around and sees everyone looking at him. _Might as well._

 

“Right. So, I went to the premiere with Grimmy and Daniel. He’s a mate of Gemma’s, met him at the house. He's a nice bloke. And yeah, it was fun. The film was great but I wish you lads were there.”

 

He sees Liam practically melt at that. Zayn’s definitely melted but he’s doing his _‘I’m a tough Bradford Badboy'_ bit and Niall is grinning at him. Ronald looks unhappy but at least he’s not trying to strangle him so Harry will take that as a victory.

 

Four down, one to go.

 

He finally might get a chance to talk to Louis when he walks in half hour late looking like he’s dressed in last night’s clothes. Harry’s about to ask him if he’s okay but Zayn beats him to it and drags his best mate to the toilet muttering something about stubborn idiots. Harry shrugs it off till he can talk to Louis.

 

It’s an odd day because sometimes he’ll catch Louis looking at him but then he’ll look away. It’s unsettling especially since Harry’s still very much in love with him. His fingers itch to just reach out and touch, to lean into him and stay there.

 

But he knows he can’t. Not after he told Louis he loves him.

 

He’s not sure if he regrets doing that or not, because now he can’t touch Louis. Now, they can’t just go back to the way they were. Well, they can and they will eventually but he needs time to wean himself off Louis.

 

Because he sees it for what it is. It’s an addiction.

 

_He’s addicted to Louis._

 

***

 

As it turns out he didn’t need to talk to Louis alone as he had been dreading all day. Because Ronald calls a meeting at the end of the day and Harry can tell this is one of those PR stunt meetings.

 

“Okay, so in light of recent events, we’ve got some things to take care of. Harry, since you pretty much outed yourself last night we need to move fast. Now, I’m not asking you to deny anything but just keep silent for now. People have started asking questions about you and Louis again and we don’t need those.”

 

He can’t help but look over at Louis when he hears this and finds him already looking. But those stormy blue eyes look away without acknowledging Harry.

 

“So, here’s what we need to do: Louis, you need to go out with Eleanor and have a romantic night out. Make it special. Harry, you need to go out with that Daniel bloke but keep it casual, we’re getting a lot of heat about allegedly forcing you to stay in the closet. We need to give them something but don’t overdo it, please. I am begging you. Keep it friendly.”

 

Harry doesn’t know how to feel about this. About being told to take Dan out but as a mate. Are they trying to throttle his sexuality again? He just wants to be done with this.

 

“The rest of you need to plan a day out with Harry. People are talking about how you are going to support Harry in this. Of course, we are not going to confirm or deny anything. Just go out for drinks or something.”

 

“What about Louis?”

 

“It’d be better if these two didn’t show up together for a while. A couple more days and then we’ll get everything back to normal. Sound good?”

 

They all nod and leave the studio. It’s not like they have a choice.

 

The boys hug him before walking to their cars and Harry feels like he’s getting his normal life back. Slowly but he’s getting there. And then there’s Louis. Who’s standing in front of him with his shoulders hunched and it makes him look even smaller than he is and Harry has to fiddle with his rings just to stop himself from reaching over and pulling Louis to himself.

 

“So Daniel, huh?”

 

“Yeah, he’s nice.”

 

“Hmmm, he looks nice.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

It hurts him so much that a conversation with his best mate is so stilted. Like they didn’t live together for three years, like they didn’t sleep in the same bed for just as long. Like he doesn’t know him at all.

 

“So. how was the film?”

 

“It was great, yeah.”

 

“I’m thinking of taking Eleanor to a film too. Something else though, Ronald might go into cardiac arrest if I take her to see that.”

 

He can’t help but laugh at that, like he can’t help but laugh at anything even remotely funny that comes out of Louis’ mouth. It’s not a comfortable laugh though. This one hides his pain, like every other time when Louis talks about Eleanor. But Harry hides it well, he’s been doing it for years now.

 

“Yeah. Might want to see something else.”

 

“Yup. Okay well, I should go plan that romantic date. You need to go plan yours with Daniel.”

 

Harry wants to drown himself and never resurface. It hurts so much to hear Louis talk about Eleanor like that. He would give anything to go on that date instead. But here he is planning to ask Daniel to join him. Daniel, who had been so nice and kind and now he was going to use him for his own purpose. Why did he think this was a good idea?

 

“Yeah, I should go do that. We might go out bowling, I think.”

 

“Oh. That sounds good.”

 

He thinks he hears resentment in those words but it’s been a long day and he’s not really in the right state of mind right now so he dismisses it. They stand there in the car park for another minute, silently.

 

Probably just wanting to spend another minute together but not knowing how to ask.

 

Harry knows he’s going mad without Louis around him all day. It feels wrong to not go home to him and not be near him every moment. It’s unbearable at times but he’s braving it because he knows it would be a hundred times harder to be in the flat with Louis. He just wants another moment of being near him.

 

And that’s all he’s allowed because Louis takes a step back and starts walking backward.

 

”Okay, well I better go. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

He wipes the stray tear that escapes with his sleeve as he walks to his car. Why did he ever think Louis would feel the same? _Why did he fall for Louis?_

 

***

 

Daniel is helpful as ever. When he calls him and asks him to come over, he shows up in ten minutes and gives Harry a huge smile that makes it harder for him to say what he was going to.

 

“Alright, Harry?”

 

“I’m good. You?”

 

“I’m good too. Bit of a celebrity at the uni. today what with the hot date I had to the Red Carpet. Actually, got called _cradle-snatcher_ once or twice but I took it in stride. So, what d’you need?”

 

He winces at the name and also the fact that Daniel thinks he needs something. Does he think that Harry only calls him when he needs something? Well, he does actually.

 

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry you had to hear that. I just—“

 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve heard way worse. Plus, they're just jealous I got to go out with you. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Okay. Actually, I had another favour to ask you but I think it’s not fair—“

 

“Hey, it’s all good. I know how hard it is to deal with what you’re going through, only you have it infinitely worse. I told you I’ve got you, didn’t I? Now, what do you need, love?”

 

He tells Daniel about the meeting and about his plan to go bowling and the minute he says it, Daniel’s face lights up. He ruffles Harry’s hair and walks into the kitchen where Gemma is fiddling with the leftovers from last night.

 

“Your brother is a worrywart. He should take a few notes from you.”

 

“That’s what I keep telling him. He says I need to be more serious. Can you imagine?”

 

“I can’t honestly say I do. You and serious? London would fall.”

 

“Oh, bugger off.”

 

Harry stands in the kitchen doorway looking at these two five-year olds who are going to graduate in three months and enter the real world. He shakes his head when Gemma throws a bread roll that hits Daniel smack in the face. Children.

 

***

 

So the bowling plan was genius. Not only did they get photographed while coming in but also it’s so much fun doing this with Daniel. They are both terrible at it and just fool about for hours. It reminds him of that one time he and the lads had gone bowling during the X-factor.

 

It reminds him of how Louis had just run around for hours and not let anyone play seriously. For hours, they had both just goofed about and run down the bowling lane and slid around on the floor. And then finally been too exhausted to even walk out to the car. It unsettles something in him, makes him want to rip apart walls and break everything just so the frustration would go away.

 

The frustration that he can’t do that with Louis anymore. That the past three years are gone. They have to start over. And this time he can’t mess up. He just can’t.

 

He feels a warm hand on his shoulder and turns around to find Daniel smiling down at him.

 

“We can leave if you want. I know I’m a shit player anyway, we can just go.”

 

“No, let’s stay for a bit. And do this properly, yeah? Watch and learn, son.”

 

He walks up to the rack, picks a bubblegum pink ball and slides down the lane, Daniel is laughing loudly and running toward him the next second. They end up sliding on the floor and falling and pulling each other along. Neither of them gets a single strike. This isn’t so bad after all.

 

***

 

Daniel is his usual happy self and Harry sure feels lighter after all the silly jokes he’s been told in the last couple hours. Gemma calls him just as they’re leaving the place and tells them to get food.

 

As they wait in the car for the order to be ready, they start talking about random things. Telly and whatnot, Harry hasn’t had a light chat in a while. Gemma has been busy with uni. since this is her last semester. The boys are all a bit preoccupied with their personal lives because this is the last month before tour starts again. And Louis, well Louis and he don’t have much to say to each other right now.

 

“What do you lads do for fun, then? I mean other than the public events, on the tour bus like?”

 

“We just sit around and chat. It’s so hard sometimes to just get time so sit and talk. We go watch films and that too but I like it best when we stay in and like, watch telly. Or play FIFA even though I am terrible at it.”

 

“Yeah, I can imagine it must get too much sometimes. So what do you watch on telly?”

 

“Well, when we’re home, Lou and I watch gogglebox and it’s—“

 

He cuts himself off when he realizes what he’s said.

 

“I quite like gogglebox actually. It’s light and funny. I prefer Sherlock though, even though it’s endless pain and years of waiting.”

 

He appreciates that Daniel’s started talking about something else pointedly. Harry knows he’s doing it on purpose and he appreciates it.

 

“I remember trying to watch it with Gemma last year. She just burst into tears right when the episode started. I’ve been meaning to go back and watch it. Without her though.”

 

Daniel bursts out laughing and has to grip Harry’s shoulder to steady himself, Harry finds he doesn’t mind.

 

“Jesus, I am going to tease her about that. She called me a chicken for crying during the season finale. And that one was genuinely sad.”

 

“I should really see it then. This time on tour, maybe.”

 

“Don’t call me when you’re crying in the middle of nowhere on a bus. I am telling you it’s bloody good but it leaves you in tears. Fair warning.”

 

“I won’t call you. Promise.”

 

They share a look when he says that. It doesn’t sound right. He wants to call Daniel.

 

“I’m sorry that didn’t—“

 

“That’s good then—“

 

And he doesn’t know what comes over him that makes him lean across and brush his lips against Daniel’s. He’s not thinking at all when his hand finds its way around the man's neck to pull him in closer. Daniel makes a choked off sound in his mouth but doesn’t push. It’s Harry who opens his mouth and licks Daniel’s bottom lip.

 

He doesn’t realize what he’s doing till he hears a knock on the window and pulls apart, startled. Daniel looks like he hasn’t a clue either.

 

The person holding their dinner knocks again and Harry turns to roll the window down and take the food. He thanks the person and drives out of the car park in a hurry. Daniel is quiet next to him.

 

Harry drives toward Gemma’s house quietly and Daniel is dead silent in his seat. There’s tension in the car and they both feel it but neither wants to acknowledge it. After driving for about five minutes, he can’t take it anymore. He stops in front of a Tesco and turns the car off.

 

They sit still for a second before the silence gets too much.

 

“I shouldn’t have—“

 

“I’m sorry for—“

 

Right.

 

“Harry, I am sorry for doing that. I shouldn’t have, I should’ve stopped it. You’re a nice lad and I like you. God, do I like you. But we both know you love someone else. So, I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize. I kissed you, I should be the one saying sorry. You’ve helped me so much and now I’ve gone and—“

 

“It’s alright.”

 

They sit silently and it’s not an uncomfortable silence anymore.

 

Harry thinks about what Daniel’s just told him. _‘I like you. God, do I like you.’_ He wonders how different this would be if Louis—

 

_Louis._

 

_Louis doesn’t love him. He doesn’t._

 

So then why should Harry think about him before doing everything? Why should Harry consider him before making every decision? Why should he even be a part of this decision?

 

“I like you too.”

 

He says quietly and sees Daniel turn sharply to look at him with wide eyes.

 

“Harry—“

 

“No, I mean it. I mean Louis is, he’s never going to feel the same about me. And I am accepting it. I haven’t gotten over him yet, not even close. But I’m getting there. But I really do, genuinely like you, Dan.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

It’s like they’ve just silently agreed to something without knowing what. But it doesn’t feel hard or laboured anymore, this interaction between them. Now that they’ve both admitted that there is something there.


	6. You'd destroy me, and I'd let you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You see what you do when you leave nice comments? You make me stay up at night and write at work to get more chapters out faster. YOU SEE? *Thanks everyone who read and commented*

The rest of the drive home is easy, they’re both singing badly along with Taylor Swift and Daniel is telling him he never bought _‘Haylor’_. Harry just smirks at him and continues to sing off-key.

 

“I can’t believe you get paid to sing. I can hit better notes than you!”

 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

 

And the terrible singing continues.

 

Gemma is lunging at him the second he steps in the door and he has to step back and hold on to the wall just to keep his balance.

 

“Where the fuck have you been? I am starving.”

 

“Uh, we had a detour?”

 

Harry stares down at the floor while scratching his neck awkwardly while Daniel answers her. He catches a blur of blond from the corner of his eye before he gets a handful of Niall.

 

“What kind of detour, Haz?”

 

“Oh god, why are you both so intent on jumping into my lap? And why are you at my sister’s house so late at night while I’ve been out?”

 

He asks while Niall is still clinging to him like he hadn’t just seen him a couple hours ago.

 

“A gentleman never tells.”

 

“Oh god gross, please tell me you are not defiling Niall. Niall, who’s my bandmate and who is four years younger than you are.” He groans while walking into the kitchen where Gemma is hurriedly taking out the food and piling it on to a huge plate.

 

“Oh please, Haz, there’s nothing to be defiled here. And you’re one to talk.”

 

“Shut up, Niall.”

 

“No really, baby bro, he’s not lying about the defiling.”

 

“Oh god, I am going to go bleach my brain out.”

 

Daniel smiles apologetically at Harry as he walks up the stairs to use the bathroom. 

 

“My own sister and band mate!”

 

He yells down the stairs and hears three laughs. He hasn’t given it much thought but he’d quite like the idea of Gemma and Niall ending up together. Not that he’s going to admit it, ever.

 

When he finally makes his way downstairs having changed into a pair of joggers, they are settled down in front of the sofa and chomping down on curry and rice.

 

“Where’s my food?”

 

“In the kitchen.” Gemma says with her mouth full and eyes still trained on the telly.

 

“Close your mouth.”

 

“You close your mouth.”

 

“Mature.” He rolls his eyes while walking to the kitchen.

 

Everything is a mess and it looks like an army has been fed. He doesn’t pay a lot of attention to his surroundings as he leans against the fridge and pours curry into a bowl. As someone who doesn’t have a very good sense of balance, he probably puts a lot of weight on the poor old thing because the next thing he knows as he steps back toward the counter is that he’s on the floor and the fridge is on top of him and everyone is running into the kitchen. Gemma is yelling and Niall and Daniel are standing over him trying to get the fridge up.

 

He’s not feeling very good as Gemma puts her arms under his head and lifts it up. It’s not till he is standing up that he feels something wet on his face and when he goes to touch it, his hand comes back red.

 

“I can’t believe Natural Selection hasn’t weeded you out yet, Haz. You’re so bloody clumsy. What were you even doing with the fridge? Humping it?”

 

“Let him breathe, Gemma, and get a towel or something for his nose.”

 

Daniel speaks from somewhere close behind him and then he feels arms come around his waist and guiding him toward the sofa. His head is definitely spinning and there’s two of Niall.

 

“I'm okay.”

 

“Just lie down, love, and keep your head on the cushion. It needs to be elevated.”

 

“You’re a cute doctor.”

 

“What de fuck?” He hears Niall say from somewhere behind the dark-haired man in front of him.

 

“He’s got a concussion probably. Gemma, get your arse in here!”

 

There’s a lot of yelling and sudden movements happening and his head is spinning a bit. Also, Harry thinks he hears Justin Bieber singing from somewhere. That’s never a good sign, he thinks. He looks around for the hot doctor and when he doesn't see him, he tries to sit up and look for him.

 

And that’s the last thing he does before he’s out like a light.

 

***

 

Louis doesn’t know what is going on. He remembers driving over to Gemma’s to see Harry because of what he saw on the telly. Harry went to the film with that man. Why did he do that?

 

And then when he had got there, Gemma had told him to go home. Because seeing him like this would hurt Harry and he didn’t want to do that. He never wanted to hurt harry. But he already had.

 

He doesn’t remember driving back and he sure doesn’t remember getting back to the flat. All he knows is that it’s cold where he is and his head hurts. When he does open his eyes, the light hurts and he closes them right back.

 

He feels around to check where he is and all he gets is softness under his hand and a pole of some kind. When he braves himself and opens his eyes again, he realizes he’s on the floor.

 

As he slowly sits up and looks around, it becomes clear that he blacked out at some point of blatant drinking and passed out on the carpet. There are bottles and food containers on the table and on the floor. And there is a huge yellow stain on the sofa and some food scattered on it too.

 

He runs his hands through his hair as he walks toward the bathroom trying to forget about last night and remember it at the same time.

 

He pushes down the pain that surges through him every time he thinks about Harry and that man. How he had wrapped an arm around Harry. How he had leaned in intimately and whispered things to him that made Harry laugh. How he had touched him so blatantly for the world to see. _His Harry_.

 

That thought startles him and he loses his footing and ends up on the floor next to the toilet seat where he was leaning in an effort to vomit. When he closes his eyes all he sees is Harry laughing and clinging to that man and that thought makes him barf.

 

He’s left hugging the toilet bowl as tears stream down his face and he isn’t sure if they are just from barfing or from the emptiness that he feels inside.

 

When he comes to a while later he realizes it’s actually a work day and he has to go to the studio. He could call in sick but he wants to see Harry. And the studio is the only place he gets to see him these days.

 

It’s basically keeping him from going insane. Those couple hours when he’s in the room even though he hasn’t made an effort to talk to Louis and it hurts. It hurts every time they don’t stand next to each other because they used to gravitate toward one another even in a stadium full of thousands. It hurts that when he looks up and doesn’t find Harry’s eyes because every time he used to look up, his eyes would meet Harry’s. It hurts that they don’t live together and he goes to bed alone in an empty house because he used to wake up next to Harry, all covered and enveloped by his scent and not on the floor with empty bottles and food next to him.

 

So he hurriedly puts on a new pair of jeans because his old ones have curry on them and he doesn’t even bother changing his shirt or taking a shower. He rushes out of the flat and leaves the mess he made last night. Because he feels the need to see Harry. Just to see him.

 

***

 

He’s already half an hour late when he walks into the recording room. Harry looks great, like he doesn’t have a worry in the world. His eyebrows knit together in a frown when he sees Louis though, and he feels a stab of pain cut through his chest at that.

 

Harry used to be happy to see him, his smile would brighten the moment he laid eyes on Louis and now he frowns. Louis really has knobbed up epically. He tears his eyes away from Harry even if it takes all the strength he has. Before he can run out of the room and go hide somewhere, Zayn walks up to him and takes his arm to lead him to the loo.

 

“What are you doing to yourself, Louis? You drank again last night?”

 

He doesn’t know what to say. He can hear the disappointment in Zayn’s voice and he can’t bear to look up and into his eyes. He keeps staring at the floor.

 

“Why are you doing this, huh? You’re the one who pushed him away and now you’re killing yourself. Make up your mind, Lou!”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Of course you don’t. Keep denying it all you want, mate, but you and I both know you’re doing this ‘cuz of him.”

 

“Zayn, just—“

 

“Whatever. You want to hurt yourself, good luck. But just know this, you are hurting him too. And all of us.”

 

“Why does everyone care so fucking much about him? What about me? I am the one that has to go home to an empty flat. I’m the one that has to lie awake at night staring at the ceiling. I’m the one that has to look at him going out with some bloke and acting all lovey-dovey. What about that, huh? WHAT ABOUT ME?”

 

“Just listen to yourself, mate. If what you’ve just said doesn’t make you realize then I don’t know what will.”

 

Louis can’t move a muscle as he looks at Zayn who looks back defiantly and then leans in for a hug.

 

“It’s going to be alright, Lou. Just give it some time.”

 

He walks back to the room after spending ten minutes in a locked stall and telling himself he has to get out of his head. He needs to work and sing, do what he loves. Everything else can wait till he gets home and opens up a new bottle of vodka.

 

***

 

The day goes well with some moments of weakness when he doesn’t realize and stares at Harry and he catches him doing it so he has to look away. It’s just that his eyes have always found Harry in a crowd and they don’t seem to learn that he doesn’t have that privilege anymore.

 

Ronald asks for a meeting after they’re done for the day and then all hell breaks loose. He tells them he needs Louis to go out with Eleanor and to make it look special. He doesn’t know when his relationship with El became a commercial commodity but it’s been like that for a while now. He loves being with her but he’d prefer doing that in private rather than flaunting it for the benefit of some sales.

 

Ronald tells Harry he needs to go out with ‘Daniel’ again. _Daniel._

 

Harry agrees a little too eagerly and the rest of the boys decide to plan a day out with Harry too that Louis isn’t invited to because they need to keep him and Harry separate for a bit. Well, it’s not like they’re even in a room together outside of work these days.

 

He pushes down the urge to look at Harry and think about last night. He’s not going to be that friend, he’s not going to ask Harry about this Daniel.

 

His resolve breaks when the other lads walk toward their cars leaving him and Harry alone in the car park. He tries not to ask and to just walk away but he misses Harry so much that he’d take every second he could get.

 

Louis makes a quip about his date with Eleanor and Harry laughs but for the first time Louis realizes that this laugh is different than his usual one when Louis says something cheeky. He notes that it’s not a fake laugh that Harry puts on for the cameras. It’s genuine but there’s also this sadness in his eyes that he can’t hide from Louis even though his eyes don’t meet Louis’ and he looks pointedly away. He wonders how many times Harry has laughed this laugh. He wonders how many times he’s hurt Harry without even realising it.

 

And then Harry starts talking about his plans with Daniel. They are going bowling.

 

_‘That was your thing. Yours and his, and now you’ve gone and fucked it all up. He’s going bowling with Daniel now. Then they’re going to fuck in the car and marry and have kids. And you’ll be a miserable sod like you always were. Well done.’_

 

He clamps down on the urge to barf and throttles the voice inside his head. If his reply comes a little strangled and Harry notices he doesn’t say anything. And Louis feels this need to reach out and touch Harry. To ask him to come back home. To come back to him.

 

But he can’t, so he walks away. With a promise to see Harry tomorrow, he walks away.

 

***

 

The flat looks like shit, everything is a mess. There’s food and empty bottles everywhere, the curtains have been drawn for weeks. It smells like a bar. The vases in the lobby and the living room are shattered to pieces on the floor. The photos have been taken down.

 

Louis goes straight to his room and jumps in the shower, he feels dirty and if a shower could help him feel better then he’d take it. Only it doesn’t.

 

Eleanor comes around about an hour later and he tells her to wait downstairs for him. He has planned to go to a restaurant with her and then walk about a bit to get spotted. He doesn’t feel like going out at all, what he really wants is to stay home and drink till he blacks out again but he knows he could get in deep trouble if he doesn’t follow Ronald’s instructions on this.

 

The drive to the restaurant is silent as he stares at the road ahead of him and Eleanor keeps quiet.

 

“Are you okay, Louis?”

 

“Yes, I’m fine.”

 

“You don’t look so good, if you’re not feeling okay we could go out some other day.”

 

“I’m fine, El. Just some things on my mind.” Namely Harry.

 

She remains quiet after that. The restaurant is packed and Louis feels a bit anxious to go in but he knows he has no other option. They chat lightly while they wait for their food. Louis feels like his mind is not all here, in fact he doesn’t reply to El more than a couple times and she looks worried.

 

But it’s not his fault he can’t concentrate. All he can think about is Harry going out with that Daniel bloke. Who is he even? How does Harry know him? Do the other lads know something he doesn’t?

 

El is going on about some fashion show or sommat and mentions Zayn and Perrie going to it. Louis thinks back to his conversation with Zayn this morning. He doesn’t know what to think about that. Zayn had said he was denying something, Louis knows all too well what he meant but he knows that he’s not in denial about anything.

 

He misses Harry, yes. But that’s because they are best mates and because they shared a flat for three years. That’s all there is to that story.

 

While he is busy fighting with his own brain, El stands up and excuses herself to go to the loo.

 

Louis realizes he needs to stop thinking about Harry while he’s on a date with his girlfriend. Twitter would be a good distraction, he figures, and starts fiddling on his phone. Only when has social media ever been good news for him?

 

There is a string of tweets that he’s tagged in and all of them are about Harry. Then his eyes fall on the tag.

 

#Harryandhotguyfromredcarpetcaughtsnogging

 

It’s like someone has just punched him in the chest and his lungs have collapsed on themselves, he can’t breathe. His brain steps up and supplies endless images of Harry and some faceless guy snogging against a wall and grinding against each other in some poorly lit street.

 

His hands are trembling and his mind is an endless chant of MYHARRYMYHARRYMYHARRY.

 

He keeps going down and reading more tweets because he is a masochistic bastard who loves pain. His eyes stop when he sees Niall has re-tweeted one with a stupid fucking emoticon.

 

He calls Niall and the bastard doesn’t pick up till the second time and then has the audacity to tell him to call back before Louis can even talk.

 

“Lou, can I call you back? I’m—“

 

“Niall, is it true?”

 

“What? Is what true? Look, I am in the middle of—“

 

“NIALL, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON THE PHONE? HARRY, DON’T GET UP, YOU’RE BLEEDING AND WHERE THE FUCK IS DANIEL?”

 

Gemma is yelling in the background but Louis can hear every word, only his brain stopped processing anything after he heard ‘Harry’.

 

“What happened to Harry??!”

 

“Um, he’s—“

 

“NIALL, I SWEAR TO GOD, PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND HELP ME GET THIS GIRAFFE TO LIE BACK DOWN.”

 

“Sorry, Lou, gotta go.”

 

“Wait—“

 

Niall disconnects before Louis has a chance to say anything else. His brain’s on auto-pilot as he gets up and rushes toward the toilets. He’s not even thinking when he runs into the ladies’ washroom and finds Eleanor in front of the mirror staring at herself. He ignores the gasps and cries from the other people in the room as he rushes over to her.

 

“I gotta go, babe. Harry’s hurt.”

 

“Lou—“

 

“I’ll call you.”

 

He drops a kiss on her temple and runs out of the restaurant to his car. He doesn’t know how fast he’s going because his brain is a constant mantra of HarryHarryHarryHarry right now. When he’s finally in front of the house, he doesn’t even bother locking the car and just runs to the house and pounds on the door.

 

No answer.

 

He can hear Gemma yelling inside and he’s losing his mind standing out here with this door separating him from Harry.

 

“GEMMA, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! NIALL, OPEN THE DOOR! GODAMNIT!”

 

The door still doesn’t open and he is definitely having trouble breathing right now. Then he hears more yelling from inside.

 

“Why the fuck did you tell HIM? NIALL, YOU TWAT!”

 

He doesn’t give a fuck about Gemma being pissed at him right now. She can shove it for all he cares. Right now Harry is what is important.

 

He’s about to start yelling again when finally the door opens and Gemma is standing in front of it blocking Louis’ way. He tries to look inside over her head but she closes the door behind her and steps outside.

 

“Gemma, please let me see him. I know what you said but I don’t care right now I just need to—“

 

“He’s fine, Louis. And he’s resting.”

 

“You said he was bleeding. He might lose too much blood. Did you call a doctor? I can call an ambulance, just let me see him please.”

 

“Lou, he is fine. He’s not bleeding anymore, it was just a nose bleed. He’s okay.”

 

“Then why won’t you let me see him? Please, Gem.”

 

“Because you’ll fuck him up again. Do you know how hard it’s been to get him to open up? That night he showed up here, in the middle of the fucking night trembling and this close to a panic attack. If you think I’m going to let you anywhere near him, think again. Look, I know you care about him but now is not the time. Just go home, Louis. You’ll see him at work tomorrow.”

 

“Just let me see him once, Gemma. That’s all I am asking. Please.”

 

“Lou, why are you doing this? To yourself and to him? He’s told you, hasn’t he? He’s mad for you and you pushed him away. Now, he’s finally letting go and here you are. Just make up your mind, Louis. You can’t have both.”

 

“Please, Gemma.”

 

“Fine. He’s on the sofa but he’s out cold. You have ten minutes.”

 

“Thanks, Gem.”

 

He rushes inside and stops short when he sees Harry’s unconscious form draped over the sofa. There’s a bloody towel on his chest and something in Louis winds up tight at the sight. He can’t help it when his knees give out and he falls to the floor beside Harry.

 

He feels a shudder run down his spine when his hand touches Harry’s and he clasps their fingers together. He’s craved this touch for so long. Can’t think of a single reason why he hasn’t just lunged forward and done this weeks ago.

 

Harry doesn’t stir for a while and then Louis feels his heart skip a beat when the hand he’s holding on to tightens in his grip. He feels like he’s home, finally.

 

Louis has no idea how much time has passed when he feels a hand on his shoulder and sees Niall standing over him with a tight smile on his face. He knows what that means. But he doesn’t want to let go.

 

“Go home, Lou. He’s fine.” Gemma is standing behind Niall with a determined look on her face. Louis knows it’s futile to argue with her. The Styleses are stubborn people, he doesn’t stand a chance especially since Gemma is in her protective older sister mode.

 

He squeezes Harry’s hand one last time and then gets up. Niall wraps him in a hug and he doesn’t realise he’s crying till he feels Niall’s fingers on his face sweeping away the tears.

 

“Sort yourself out, Louis. You can’t keep doing this. Make up your mind”, Gemma tells him when she walks him to his car. He doesn’t really register what’s happening, he’s still stuck inside his own mind to make sense of anything else.

 

“He’s fine, Lou. You need to get home and get some rest. I’m worried about you.”

 

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Gem.”

 

He finally admits it. Finally, he’s said it and he knows it’s true.

 

“I know. But you need to figure this out on your own. You can’t keep going back and forth. He’s very fragile right now and so are you. I don’t want to see either of you get hurt. So just go home and have a nice sleep. And just think about what you want.”

 

Harry.

 

That’s when he knows he is in trouble. _That’s when he knows he’s gone._

 

***

 

Gemma sits Niall and Daniel down after Louis has left, they are both looking at her like she knows all the secrets to the universe. Harry is still unconscious on the sofa and she just wants him to be happy.

 

She saw the tweets about someone who saw Harry and Daniel kissing in the car when Niall showed her earlier. While she knows and loves Daniel, she also knows that he and Harry would never work out. Because Harry is in love with Louis. And she knows for a fact that he’s a person who loves someone for life. And she doesn’t want Daniel to get hurt in the middle of all this.

 

But she also knows that Daniel could make Harry happy. Maybe not as happy as Louis could, because those two are essentially just one soul split in two.

 

And then there’s the part where Daniel has been in love with his best friend from home for years. Gemma isn’t sure if he realises it himself but she’s seen the way he lights up when Tom calls. She’s known that Daniel loves Tom and that’s why it worries her that these two people who are irrevocably in love with other people are now finding shelter in each other. But the truth remains that someone else has their hearts even if they are letting go slowly.

 

So she isn’t sure whether this is going to wreck both of them or if they can mend each other but she’s going to give them a chance.

 

And then there’s Louis. Louis, whose eyes told a different story tonight than what he’s been saying for weeks. Gemma always thought he was in love with Harry, never had a doubt about it. But then he went and denied all of it. And today, when he was kneeling on the floor holding Harry’s hand, he was every bit a wrecked man she’s seen Harry being in the past few weeks.

 

She just hopes Louis can make up his mind before he loses Harry to Daniel or worse.

 

So she sits them down and tells them not to tell Harry about Louis coming over. It’s for the best.

 

“I think he should know, I mean Lou looked pretty worried.”

 

“Ni, I know he was worried but there’s some things going on between those two that they haven’t told you boys yet and I think it’s best if we don’t tell Harry for now.”

 

“Whatever you say, Gem.”

 

***


	7. You’ll never show weakness for letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not much left now, one more chapter maybe two. We'll see!

Louis drives around London aimlessly after Gemma’s told him to go home and rest. He can still see Harry’s limp body on the sofa and feel the ghost of his touch on his hand. His vision blurs every few seconds as fresh tears prick his eyes. 

 

He knows what this means.

 

Yet there are so many unanswered questions. He does love Harry, he always has in the way that he loves the rest of the lads. A bit more than that because him and Harry have always shared something more. But he’s now starting to think that that’s not all this is. That this is more.

 

But how? And when? He’s been in love with Eleanor for the better part of two years now and they’ve been dating steadily. So then when did Harry burrow his way in? 

 

Louis knows he’d take a bullet for Harry. He’s known it since that first day Harry picked him up on that stage, back when they were still strangers with a world of adventure ahead of them.

 

But he’s never thought of Harry as more than a mate. A mate who he shared a house with and a band with, and a life with. That doesn’t explain why his life’s come to a stop-still since Harry left. Why he’s stuck in the flat all day drinking till he blacks out to do it all over again the next day. Why he’s punched walls in literally every room of the flat in a drunken haze. Why he hasn’t eaten a proper meal in two weeks. Why he’s trashed the house and taken down the photos of him and Harry. 

 

Why he feels like he’s being ripped in two every time he thinks of Harry with Daniel. 

 

He knows there’s something else there but can he do anything about it? Has he lost Harry before he even had him?

 

‘You’ve gone and hurt the one person who could love your miserable, sorry arse. Of course you did. That boy is a gem and you don’t deserve him. He saw through you, he saw what a tosser you are and he still loved you, that angel of a boy. And what did you do? You pushed him away, said he wasn’t good enough. And now that he’s found someone better, you want a piece of that! You absolute twat!’

 

He pushes away the voice like he always does, buries all his thoughts and forces himself to not think about Harry.

 

If he goes home and downs two sleeping pills with neat whiskey and falls asleep on the dirty sofa, it’s nobody’s business but his.

 

***

 

Harry wakes up with a stiff back and realizes that’s been slumped in a really bad position on the sofa. He’s still wearing his pants and this is uncomfortable. There is a glass of water and a tablet next to it on the table, he wonders what that’s about as he stretches to get the water. When his head hurts and his vision blacks out a little, he remembers the fridge falling incident.

 

Well, he’s never claimed that he’s not accident-prone.

 

He spends the early hours of the morning watching telly and eating left-over curry. When Gemma finally wakes up for uni, she asks if he’s okay and tells him to take it easy for the day. 

 

“Call me if you don’t feel well, I will talk to that Ronald chap.”

 

He snorts at that before he can stop himself and Gemma narrows her eyes at him and comes to stand in front of him with a hand on her hip.

 

“You think I can’t take him? Because he’s a bloke? Let me remind you of all the times I had you beat and crying for mum.”

 

He winces as he thinks of all the unpleasant times he had been locked in the cupboard or the bathroom or got sat on or tied up. Yeah, it was a colourful childhood. He gets up and hugs her tight when he’s reminded of everything she’s done for him without asking for anything in return.

 

“Don’t go all weak on me, Harry. I need you to be strong.”

 

“I am strong.”

 

“Didn’t look it with the fridge on top of you last night.”

 

“Please just go.”

 

***

 

He feels a lot better by the time he’s driving over to the studio. Gemma had made him take so many tablets he’s surprised he isn’t dozing off again. Daniel had called just after Gemma left to see how he was feeling. 

 

Harry wasn’t sure where they stood but it sure was nice waking up to a text from Daniel and then getting a call too. He felt cared for and that’s a great feeling. Although he was expecting someone else to call but that was just his irrational mind playing games on him. Why would Louis call? He doesn’t even know Harry was hurt. And the way they’ve been going the past few weeks, he doubts Louis would call even if he knew.

 

Which opens a whole new can of worms. Daniel and Louis. 

 

Harry knows he still feels the same way about Louis. And he also knows it’s going to take him months, years even to stop looking over at Louis every time they’re in the same room. To not reach over and touch, even so much as touch his arm with a finger. To not feel weak every time he catches Louis looking back. To not let his eyes flutter closed every time he hears Louis’ voice or that laugh that makes him want to laugh too.

 

He knows he’s gone for Louis. Gone like his mum is for Robin. Like a lifetime of heartbreak gone. But as much of a romantic he is, he’s also a rational person who can see and accept facts when they stare him in the face. 

 

So he knows Louis is never going to feel the same way. That they might go back to being best mates again, even live together at some point- although he can’t imagine the pain that would bring him, but then again he’s always done anything and everything he could for Louis so he knows he wouldn’t say no if Lou asked-but never is Louis going to think of him the way Harry thinks of Louis. His be all and end all.

 

Then there’s Daniel. Sweet and perfect and loving and caring Daniel who Harry has come to care for and love in a different sort of way. In a way that he could see himself coming home to him after a long day. That he could see himself calling from the tour bus and crying about a tv show. In a way that he would have someone to fall back on every second of every day. Someone to catch him if he falls and he falls a lot. So maybe Daniel is what he needs.

 

***

 

Walking into the studio and seeing Ronald seething is like a sport around here nowadays. Harry doesn’t really seem surprised when Ronald turns around sharply and narrows his eyes at Harry and points him to follow to the Conference Room. 

 

He tries to think why he’s getting the whip today as he shuffles after the older man but he can’t think of anything. The other lads are already in except Louis, which Harry has been noticing how Louis is never on time these days and he doesn’t look so good either. He feels like he should talk to him about it or get one of the other boys to ask him how he’s doing at home. Harry thinks of the flat all messed up and no food in the kitchen but he stops before he can talk himself into going over and cleaning or cooking for Louis.

 

He knows he’s not at that stage yet. He can’t be in the flat with Louis just yet, a bit more time.

 

As he’s thinking all of this, Niall jumps up in front of him and pulls him into a tight hug.

 

“How are you now, Haz?”

 

“I’m good, Nialler. You, alright? And we still need to have a chat about you and my sister.”

 

He says as Zayn and Liam join the hug too. He feels squished between the boys and laughter bubbles out of him because this feels like home. This is what they are before they’re a boy band - mates. 

 

They slowly let go of him after enquiring after his head one by one like they didn’t just listen when he answered the others, and walk over to sit down as Zayn keeps a protective hand on his back and guides him to an empty chair.

 

“Yeah we’ll talk about that when you don’t have a concussion. Hit your head pretty hard there. It was a loud thump.”

 

“Don’t change the topic, Blondie. And I think I would remember if I had a concussion.”

 

“Either way you called Daniel Doctor Sexy.”

 

“What.” He deadpans because he sure as hell doesn’t remember doing that. Niall is probably trying to be funny.

 

“Yeah, you giggled and said ‘you’re a cute doctor’ to him and I swear he turned redder than Louis does when we call him Boobear.”

 

Which is precisely when Louis walks in and takes a seat across from Harry. His eyes are guarded and closed off as they rake across Harry’s face and then he drops his gaze to the table. Harry still doesn’t know how to act every time his eyes meet Louis’ and he needs to learn soon.

 

“You called him what?” Liam chips in from where he’s sitting on Louis’ other side.

 

“I don’t rem—“

 

“Sexy doctor. And then he tried to get up and go after him when he went to get an ice pack.”

 

“Settle down, lads.”

 

Ronald cuts any further discussion on the topic and Harry has never been more relieved to hear his voice.

 

“Are you feeling alright Harry? Do you need any time off?”

 

“No, I’m alright. Gemma got me the medicines and all.”

 

“Dan.” Niall throws in with his mouth full. Harry thinks he heard him say Dan.

 

“What?”

 

“Daniel did. He’s the one that got them.”

 

“Okay. As long as you are okay we‘ll continue. Now, your injury aside what the fuck were you thinking?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“There are pictures of you kissing that Daniel bloke all over the internet. Tumblr has been going crazy and twitter blasted up last night. When I said keep it friendly, what part of ‘friendly’ did you not get? Public snogging is not what I meant when I said take him out as a mate.”

 

“I—“

 

“He doesn’t know about that.” Niall cuts in again. “Probably didn’t get to check what with his head almost bashed in.” Harry loves it when Niall is sassy because he’s cold when he wants to be. Passive aggressive at his best.

 

“Either way, it did happen. You could’ve been more careful. Snogging in public is just plain irresponsible. It’s spread like wildfire now, we can’t do anything about it. Is this what you wanted all along?”

 

“Being a little harsh there, Ronnie.”

 

Zayn sits up and moves his chair a bit so Harry is behind him now and can’t see Ronald completely. While he loves his mates coming to his defense he would like to know exactly what is happening here.

 

“Stay out of it, Malik.”

 

“Alright mate, this is getting ridiculous. Harry’s hurt and not only is he sitting in the office right now instead of resting, you are grilling him about this stupid—“

 

“He said he was fine. And this is stupid alright, they never got a hold of you kissing any of your girlfriends and now here is a grainy photo of you snogging a bloke in a car one day after you took him to the bloody Red Carpet! Couldn’t you wait till you got home? Was it really that—“

 

“This is bullying, mate. I suggest you stop talking.”

 

Zayn was not stood in front of Ronald and while he is usually the aloof and quiet one, you do not want to be on Zayn’s bad side when he’s mad. Harry can feel anger rolling off of him in waves.

 

“Look, all I am saying is we can’t cover this up now. It has all gone down the drain. Harry‘s got his photo plastered everywhere. And for some reason nobody seems to have spotted Louis and Eleanor on their date. Instead what we have got is people saying Louis here ran into the women’s washroom and yelled at Eleanor. Now, we have settled with the—“

 

“I never yelled at her.”

 

That’s all Louis says. That’s all he offers. Even after everyone is staring at him and expecting more for a solid minute. He doesn’t say anything else. 

 

Ronald sighs loudly and takes a seat.

 

“Alright. Well, we have to handle all of this mess before the tour starts or that’s a whole new can of worms. So, Harry. How do you feel about doing a Radio show with your mate Grimshaw? You and Daniel would both have to do it, answer fielded questions about all this. We’ll control the questions though, I mean you know how it works. That would give everyone a chance to think that you’ve shared important things. And speaking of, we have to screen this Daniel. And you should all go out together once, bring your girlfriends or just the lads. How’d you feel about that?”

 

“Um, I think he—“

 

“It’s just a question of showing that you are open with the public, that you are willing to share. You don’t have to answer invasive questions, that’s why we asked Grimshaw. He’s a mate of yours, have a chat with him.”

 

“I guess that’s okay.”

 

“Good. Louis, you and Eleanor need to take a weekend vacation. You look like you need a vacation, anyway. We need to cover our bases with this Stylinson bullshit before they all jump on that bandwagon again.”

 

Harry can’t help but flinch when he hears the word. He’s hated it since Louis used it on twitter to deny the existence of something that was so beautiful and so important to Harry. 

 

His flinch doesn’t go unnoticed. While everyone else is looking toward Ronald, waiting for him to go on, when Harry looks up he finds Louis staring at him. He feels like it’s the first time in weeks that he is properly looking at Louis. Like he hasn’t seen those blue orbs like this in forever. It doesn’t last long though because Ronald is talking again and demands their attention.

 

“So you and your bloke Daniel can play it off as either a proper relationship and request for privacy from the media or play the whole ‘We need time to figure this out, for now it’s great and we are working on this’. Whatever you chose as long as you don’t imply that all previous relationships were in any way not genuine. You wanted control over your personal life, well now you have it. Don’t cock it up.”

 

“Thanks.” He answers drily as Ronald draws up a rough timeline of all these planned events and then they have a full fledged meeting with tour managers and some other crew about the tour and important dates. They leave early after being stuck in meetings for hours and exhausted.

 

And since they have the weekend to themselves the boys decide to go out for drinks now to ease off some of the tension. Niall suggests they go over to Mullinger’s and off they go.

 

Harry makes a conscious effort to not sit next to Louis. It’s just that it’s a reflex by now to seek out Louis and sit or stand next to him without any conscious thought about it but he knows that that’s not acceptable anymore. So he slides in next to Zayn and Niall settles on his other side as a lean brunette appears behind the bar and asks for their orders. They all start off with beers but then Louis is grabbing the barman’s arm and asking for two shots of vodka. 

 

He scurries off to get them and when Louis settles back down on his stool, he looks up to realize all the lads are looking at him.

 

“What?”

 

“Little early for shots, isn’t it?”

 

“Oh give us a break. After listening to that prick for hours, I think I deserve hard liquor.”

 

“Lou, I think we need to have a chat. I mean you are drinking every—“

 

“Oh piss off, Liam. I’m going to the loo, you want to come and watch over my shoulder too? Go do your mother hen bit with someone that needs it.”

 

Before anyone can stop him Louis is off the stool and walking toward the toilet. Harry’s following him before he even realizes what he’s doing. He hears Zayn call after him but it’s not like he can stop himself anyway so he keeps going.

 

The second he opens the door and steps in, he sees Louis in front of the mirror looking at himself. He turns a bit and when his eyes land on Harry, he pushes away from the counter and just stands there facing Harry.

 

He doesn’t know what to do.

 

They’re in a toilet looking at each other, at a shell of each other really. Virtual strangers in the night.

 

Like the first time they’d met. Only that time they didn’t have this deep longing and a million unsaid things between them.

 

Or maybe they did.

 

***  
Louis stands in front of the mirror, but looking back at him is a stranger. Someone who might look like him but Louis doesn’t know this person.

 

He just yelled at Liam for showing concern when he’s just irritated with himself. When he is just angry at himself, and he’s angry at Ronald. When all he can think about is Harry being with someone else. 

 

Just as he is willing himself to forget about the grainy photo he had spent hours staring at last night, the door to the toilet opens and his brain comes to a screeching halt when his eyes land on Harry.

 

Harry just stands there silently for a moment like he had the first time they’d met. And Louis has to stop himself from walking over and introducing himself like that first time, just say ‘Hi’ and start over.

 

Erase all of this uneasiness between them and start over from the very beginning. Only this time, he wouldn’t push Harry away. This time he would reach out and just—

 

“Lou, are you okay?”

 

Oh god. The shudder that’s just run through him startles him. It’s just his name, that’s all Harry’s done- say his name and it’s set something ablaze inside him. After days and weeks of dormant existence, this is like getting jump-started and all that’s happened is Harry’s said his name.

 

Louis can’t believe he didn’t see this before. How did he never notice this? That Harry can set him alight with just one word. Why did he never think this was odd? 

 

“Lou?”

 

If he had any doubts they are all gone now. It still stirs something somewhere in him just listening to Harry’s deep voice laced with concern saying his name like it’s something holy.

 

“I’m not the one that hit my head.”

 

Harry snorts and looks down at the floor. God, Louis wants to reach over and run his fingers through those wretched curls. And then he remembers how someone else’s hands had been there. How in that photo, the man has hi fingers curled around in Harry’s hair and he feels sick.

 

“Liam didn’t mean to—“

 

Before he can realize what he’s doing or stop, his feet start moving and as he finds himself closer to Harry he wants to stop but he also wants to keep going. Harry takes a step back and then another but Louis can’t stop himself till he’s got Harry against the wall and very little space between them. 

 

Harry sucks in a sharp breath and Louis just wants. His eyes wander over Harry’s face and linger over his mouth, god that obscene mouth. He’s breathing slow with his lips parted and looking down but when he raises his eyes and Louis finally looks into them, they are dark and clear and he definitely forgets where he is and what he’s doing.

 

And the second his eyes flick down to look at that mouth, he remembers about Daniel kissing Harry. It’s like a spell breaks and he steps back. Harry sags against the wall and releases a shuddering breath while still looking at Louis like he’s looking for something on his face.

 

Louis can’t do this anymore.

 

He rushes out of the toilet and walks out of the back door. A bottle of vodka at home and he will forget this. 

 

***


	8. I leave my heart open, but it stays right here empty for days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, remember when I said there's one more chapter to go? Haha, no. Happy Valentine's Day, my lovelies!

Harry’s leaning against the wall because his legs have given in and his breath is coming in hard. His head is against the wall and his eyes closed as he tries to catch his breath.

 

Even as his eyes are closed all he can see behind his eyelids is the image of Louis walking toward him with this abandonment, this hunger in his eyes. He wants to remember this always, can’t help it when a tingle runs through his belly and he has to squeeze his eyes tighter and bite his lip hard to stop himself from making any noise. 

 

And then reality sets in.

 

Reality that Louis’ just left him in a toilet and run out. He doesn’t feel so good anymore, his knees give out and he’s on the floor before he can realize what’s just happened. He plays the day’s events over in his head, trying to get at what and why Louis did what he did. But he can’t come up with anything. And his traitorous mind keeps going back to Louis stalking toward him like he needs him. 

 

He ran away though, his brain supplies. 

 

“He did.”

 

Harry’s never been seen as someone strong, people seem to think he’s a fragile, precious little person. And he is. But he’s also strong. 

 

And that’s why he gets up on weak knees, brushes himself off and takes a deep breath before walking back over to the bar. The lads seem to be laughing about something, no sign of Louis.

 

“There you are! We were wondering where you two had gone off to!”

 

“Louis left.”

 

“What?”

 

“Didn’t he come back here?”

 

“No, you were both gone and now you’ve come out—“

 

Niall snorts and sprays beer over the bartop. He’s now trying and failing to stop himself from laughing out hysterically and then everyone joins in.

 

“Zaynie, you say the best things!”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that, mate. You know I—“

 

“It’s okay. It was quite funny actually. We should use that in interviews. Liam, you okay mate?”

 

“Huh? Yeah Harry, I’m good. I’m just thinking, did Lou leave ‘cuz of me? I didn’t actually—“

 

“No. No, he said he wasn’t feeling well.”

 

Zayn is looking at him sceptically but the other two seem to buy his lie.

 

“Oh okay. Because I just meant that in a good way, ‘cuz like he has been drinking quite a bit recently.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” Zayn turns to look at him with an arched eyebrow as he takes a seat. 

 

“Have you?”

 

“Well, he does show up late these days and doesn’t talk as much. I mean we’ve had lots of things to deal with recently, all the PR stuff but he does seem a bit off.”

 

“Why’d you reckon that is?” Zayn is looking at him expectantly and Harry does not appreciate this interrogation. His brain is still trying to process what happened with Louis.

 

“Um, I don’t know. Has anyone talked to him?”

 

“Well, I tried just now.”

 

Liam pouts at Harry and he reaches over to pat his shoulder.

 

“Yeah I tried too, but he brushed me off pretty much.” Zayn is talking casually but then he’s also looking at Harry like he knows something the others don’t. It makes Harry nervous.

 

“Speaking of, we still haven’t had a proper chat about your bloke Daniel. So?”

 

“So, what?” Harry honestly doesn’t want to talk about Daniel especially since he’s having a hard time trying to get that image of Louis out of his mind. 

 

“Well we haven’t met the guy and what’s he like? Wait, Nialler you’ve met him.”

 

“I have, yeah.”

 

“Whatchu think?”

 

“I think he’s a good lad. ‘course I don’t think he’d make a sexy doctor like Haz here but he is pretty fit.”

 

Niall smiles and winks at Harry, as if to make him blush. If only they knew what was going on his mind right now. If only they knew the storm that’s brewing inside him, and it’s not Daniel he’s thinking about.

 

“So like, how’d you guys meet?”

 

“Well, he’s Gemma’s mate from uni. And the night I went over, he was there and we talked for a bit. But then later on, I chatted quite a bit with him. He’s helped me a lot with this, situation. Like, he talked me out of a panic attack that first week. And he’s great. I mean it’s so easy to talk to him.”

 

“You’re smitten then. Also, we never got to talk about the other thing. You do know that we’re all here, right? We’re all happy for you. I mean, we kind of already knew ‘ocourse, we’ve always known since that first night around the fire but then we never got to talk about it so. But we are all here for you.”

 

“Liam, please stop before you do the whole ‘It gets better’ speech. He knows, don’t you Haz?”

 

He can’t help the huge smile that spreads across his lips and he just nods enthusiastically when Zayn asks Liam to stop talking.

 

“We’re always here, mate. Just, talk when you need to, yeah?”

 

He can just sit there and nod like a lunatic because he knows. He’s always known that his mates love him regardless of anything. He’s always known that when he does decide to tell them everything, they’d be nothing but supportive. 

 

“I have to point out though, that Daniel bloke is fit. Liam and I saw the Red Carpet interview the other day, he looked like he belonged there right beside you.”

 

“Yeah, he did look great. And he sings really well too. And he’s quite interesting, I should keep him away from you guys. You might steal him and kick me out of the band and take him instead.”

 

“Amen to that!”

 

Niall’s finally stopped having eye-sex with his beer to make that toast.

 

“You’re never getting near my sister again.”

 

“We’ll see about that, little brother.”

 

“Why did you have to get together with her? The two of you are double as annoying.”

 

“Jealous, are we? Don’t worry I can juggle two Styleses.”

 

“Never. Say. That. Again.”

 

“Yeah”

 

They both shudder and look away to drink while Zayn gets up to go to the toilet. 

 

“I’ll just check up on Lou.”

 

Harry wants to go with him, He wants to see Louis, to hear his voice on the phone but he knows that would be absolutely the worst thing to do so he hangs back and stares at the door longingly till Zayn comes back five minutes later.

 

“He’s fine, just feeling a bit off. Said he’s going on that vacation tomorrow, god he really needs it.”

 

“Right? He just looks so tired all the time and lost. Like, I know Harry moved out and all but that was two weeks ago and he’s been fine since then. Only lately it feels like he’s not Louis anymore.”

 

Harry is listening quietly as Zayn stares at him while Liam is rambling on about Louis. He should really just ask Zayn what he’s thinking.

 

“Well yeah, Lou’s been pretty off. I called him the other day and he was pissed. Like, proper pissed. And then last night, he was so gone and it’s just so s—“’

 

“Wait, you saw him last night? When? You were at Gemm—“

 

“I saw him before that. Before I went around to Gemy’s.”

 

Harry could tell something was off, Niall was very pointedly looking at the beer in his hand and not meeting his eyes. But then again after that bathroom incident he was probably reading into everything now.

 

“Please stop calling my sister that.”

 

“Wha? It’s her name.”

 

“No, its not. It’s Gemma.”

 

“Grow up, Harry.”

 

“Okay boys, let’s not start a row here. Both of you, have a chat about this somewhere private if it bothers you this much. We really don’t need another issue, Ronald’s probably on the verge of putting us on house-arrest.”

 

They all snicker at that and the tension dissolves and they spend another hour just sitting around and chatting. It’s been a while since they’d gone out and just drank and talked. Louis was sorely missed though, every time there was a lull in the conversation the boys couldn’t help but wonder if Louis was here would they be quiet.

 

And Harry can’t stop himself from thinking about Louis over and over. But he also wants to be with the lads. So he sucks it up and tries to forget about it as much as he can till they decide it's late and time to go home.

 

Liam drives away first while Niall just hugs Harry really tight and then starts rambling.

 

“I didn’t mean it. I mean, if I’m making you uncomfortable about Gemma. I’ll stop calling her that, it was just the name I came up with for her since you already call her Gem, but I’ll stop. And I’ll stop talking about it and coming around if it bothers you. I just didn’t think—“

 

“Niall! I’m only ever going to say this once so listen carefully. I am happy for you and Gem. You are perfect for each and I love you both. Do whatever you want, try not to flaunt it too much that I want to hit you but other than that I really am not bothered by any of it. As long as I don’t see or hear anything that could scar me for life. Other than that, we’ll go on pretending that it bothers me and I’ll keep getting frustrated and you can keep ribbing me if you want. Just don’t tell her I said that bit about how you’re perfect for each other. 

 

Deal?”

 

He gets a handful of Niall before he hears a loud and somewhat muffled “Deal!”

 

Niall eventually stops hugging him and drives away, but only after Harry’s made sure that he’s good enough to drive.

 

That leaves him and Zayn, who’s just standing there quietly looking at him.

 

“You told him.”

 

“What?”

 

“You told him, didn’t you?”

 

“Zayn, what are you talking about? Told who?”

 

“Louis. You told him you loved him. That’s why you moved out. And that’s why he’s treating himself like shit.”

 

“I don’t—“

 

“I kind of guessed it the night of the party. You looked wrecked and he looked lost, I figured you’d finally come clean. But he pushed you away.”

 

“How’d you…?”

 

“Because I’ve got eyes. I’ve always known, Haz. You’ve loved him since the first day.”

 

“Why didn’t he see it?”

 

Harry can’t help it when his voice breaks and he can’t choke a sob that’s slipped through his lips before he can smother it down.

 

“'Cuz he’s an idiot. And I am too. I thought you were fine. Just needed some space. I’m sorry for abandoning you.”

 

He can only shake his head because he doesn’t trust his voice. Zayn just puts his arms around Harry and pulls him to himself.

 

“Why didn’t you come to me, Hazza?”

 

“I didn’t know what to do.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“’s not your fault.”

 

“But I should’ve been there.”

 

“It’s okay. I’m better now.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“Yeah. I’m getting better.”

 

They stand silently like that for a while, Zayn’s arms wrapped around him as he silently tries to stop the water leaking from his eyes. 

 

When he finally feels them dry up, he pulls back and sniffles a little before offering Zayn a small smile. He guides Harry toward his car and they climb in before Zayn turns toward him and asks him the dreaded question.

 

“Did something happen in the toilet earlier?”

 

Harry wants to say it, he wants to scream it out but he can’t. Not before he even knows what it is that happened.

 

Zayn waits quietly for a moment and then breaks the silence.

 

“I’ll take that a yes, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you earlier. I just thought you were doing better. With Daniel and…”

 

“I am. I’m not over him yet, not even close but I am getting there. And Daniel is great, I swear. I wasn’t lying about him. And he knows about Louis. He’s the one I talked to about the whole situation and he’s helped me so much.”

 

“Is he just a friend then?”

 

“He is but he’s more than that. I’m not quite sure how much more but he is. And I really do like him. Like genuinely. And he’s so easy y’know, I don’t have to pretend with him or hide and he makes it so easy for him. I want to be with him, I do. I just, I really need to get over Louis. If we want to work together, I need to get over him. And Daniel is what I need right now. And then Louis just…”

 

“He’s not in his right mind right now. He hasn’t told me anything but I’ve noticed.”

 

“I am worried about him, Zayn. But I can’t exactly go to the flat to check on him, I mean he’s. I don’t know really, I think he’s confused. He uh, he’s the one who said he didn’t feel the same way and now he’s acting really strange. I don’t know what to say to him.”

 

“I’ll go. I mean he’s leaving for the vacation tomorrow but I’ll talk to him before that.”

 

“Don’t tell him about—“

 

“I’ll just go see how he’s doing. Won’t say anything, promise.”

 

“Thanks, Zayn.”

 

“That’s what mates are for, Harry.”

 

Zayn hugs him one last time before getting out of the car and walking over to his. Harry sits there for a moment just thinking about how lucky he is to have mates like this. Even though the one thing on his mind that’s fogging everything else is Louis. But that’s not really different than any other day so.

 

***

 

Louis runs out the back door of the pub and rushes over to his car. The flat’s five minutes away and god knows he tries not to pull over on the way and break down. God knows he tries so hard to not ram the car into a tree or something and just let it all go.

 

When he does finally make it to the flat, he doesn’t even stop to take off his shoes and just walks straight to the cupboard that’s become his solace these past few weeks and pulls out a fresh bottle of Vodka. He‘s trying so hard to not think and just numb everything out as he holds the bottle to his mouth and chugs. It burns, he can feel the liquid making its way down his empty stomach and he knows he’s going to be vomiting soon but the numbness that’s flooding him right now is worth it.

 

He stumbles a bit when trying to move to the fridge to get something to fill him so he could drink more. His vision’s a little blurry and the buzz is settling in, he’s not completely numb yet but he’s got the careless abandon starting to take over him. 

 

Tears prick his eyes as he drinks carelessly, he feels like he should stop but he finds that he doesn’t care. The image of Harry leaning against that wall with his eyes shut tight and his teeth clamping down on his bottom lip bleeds behind his closed eyelids. He can’t stop it. He drinks more.

 

The photo he’d seen on twitter last night jumps up from somewhere and he feels this fury take over him, like he could just rip everything apart with his bare hands so he does. He’s pissed enough to not care that this is his home, he‘s wasted enough to not notice that the drawing room looks like a hurricane hit here. 

 

He sits back down breathing hard from all the frantic running around and tearing everything up. He can’t help it that Harry floods all his senses the second he stops to think. 

 

His red parted lips. His eyes shut so tight that he might be seeing stars behind his lids. His head turned up and resting against the wall. His dark eyes boring into Louis’.

 

He’s gone far enough to not care that his hand is on his dick and he’s mercilessly pressing against the hardness. He doesn’t bother with guilt or denial this time, the image behind his eyes is that of Harry against that wall, looking like he wants to be wrecked. His hand slides hard and fast against his jeans, the friction making him moan loudly. He can fell the wetness seeping through the fabric but he doesn’t stop, his head falls back against the sofa when it becomes too much. 

 

Harry.

 

His cock twitches as he remembers Harry saying his name in that broken voice and a shudder runs through him. He knows he should slow down, it will chafe pretty badly tomorrow but he doesn’t care. He’s getting off on the pain really, the sick bastard that he is. He knows he deserves it, for hurting Harry. But it’s only just winding him up tighter if anything.

 

He can’t stop the grunts escaping his mouth as Harry stands against that wall looking at him like he’s all ready to be taken. And then he hears his name again, ‘Lou’. He comes with a cry and then everything slows down.

 

He’s made a mess of his pants and his thighs are protesting. When he tries to reach for the bottle, his wrist hurts and then the guilt starts trickling in. But he just walks to the bedroom, takes off all his clothes and gets into bed. 

 

It’s hard not to think about what he’s done but can’t bring himself to care anymore. He can’t bring himself to deny it anymore.

 

He’s in love with Harry.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my sincerest apologies for that awkward attempt at smut. I can't do smut and these are real people so we have a bit of a problem.


	9. You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?

He wakes up to an insistent banging noise and as much as he wants to just roll over and go back to sleep, the noise doesn’t stop and his brain’s just decided to make it echo even louder and hurt his head. 

 

Louis moves about trying to get up and realizes he’s naked and this is not his bedroom. He picks up a random pair of underpants from the drawer and starts inching slowly toward the door since his legs won’t move fast and his head is already killing him. 

 

“Tommo!”

 

“Coming.” He’s rubbing his eyes as he goes to the door and sees a very cheery Zayn standing there. What the fuck is up with that? Not only is Zayn waking up and calling Louis everyday, now he’s also coming around in the morning? And this is Zayn, who they had to take bets about who’d go into the lion’s den and wake him up.

 

“There you are! Were you still asleep?”

 

“Seeing as how it’s still the ass crack of dawn, I was yes. Do come in.” He mumbles when Zayn pushes past him and walks into the flat before Louis can even finish talking.

 

“Jesus Christ! Wha happened here, Lou?”

 

“Huh? Wha?”

 

He walks in behind Zayn and finally opens both his eyes to look around and finds his drawing room to be in absolute shambles. A faint memory from last night hits him hard and he remembers the drinking and the trashing.

 

“Wha have you done?”

 

“I uh, I drank a bit last night and—“

 

“This is exactly what I need to talk to you about. The lads think--”

 

He’s listening to Zayn, he’s definitely paying attention but then there’s a sudden spike of pain in his head and he has to reach out and hold on to the sofa just to stay standing.

 

“Jesus, Loueh! Come ‘ere, sit down.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Yeah, you look 50 shades of fine right now. Just sit down here.”

 

He sits down on the sofa next to a broken picture frame of Harry back from when they’d gone skiing for the week. He doesn’t remember taking it off the wall or throwing it but it’s broken and the shards of glass pierce his skin when he moves to pick it up, it’s a sharp pain as blood trickles off his hand and onto the white leather of the sofa but he doesn’t feel the pain. Or maybe he does but he’s just gotten used to it by now.

 

Zayn hurries back to him with a glass of water and a couple of tablets in his hand. He’s rushing toward him while mumbling things Louis really does not want to hear. 

 

“This place is a disaster, what ‘ave you been doing here? The fridge is a mess, no food in there. Shelves covered with empty bottles, have you even eaten anything in weeks? And this drawing room is just plain--Jesus Christ, Lou your hand! You’re bleeding, wha happened? PUT THAT THING DOWN YOU’RE CUTTING YOURSELF ON IT!”

 

He can hear Zayn yelling at him but it feels like he’s far away, in some other place. He feels so isolated from everything. His hand is a dull throb, he doesn’t feel the water go down his throat when Zayn puts it to his lips and makes him drink it. He just feels a phantom touch on his hand when Zayn snatches the photo from his hand and pain flares up as it cuts him one last time.

 

He looks down to see Zayn kneeling in front of and taking out little pieces of glass from his hand that he knows he should be able to feel that but all he feels is a sharp tingle of nerves and this intense heat on his hand. And he likes it.

 

“What’s wrong with you, Lou? You’ve hurt yourself and you still want to clutch that glass. What happened to you, man?”

 

He knows he’s going to break, he can feel it but he’s trying to keep a false sense of bravado. He’s going to try and be brave, keep all of it in like he has been for years. Burying and suppressing and pushing things down is good, it makes you forget how to feel. It makes you strong. Because you then don’t have to tell people what you feel deep down, because then they don’t know things and they can’t hold them against you. They don’t have power over you. You are not vulnerable.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me? I can call Liam or Niall if you’d rather talk to them. Or Harry, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. He’s worried about you, y’know. He wanted me to talk to you.”

 

He knows he can’t hold it in for much longer, he can feel the walls crumbling inside him. 

 

“I didn’t think I could have him, never thought that was an option.”

 

“What?”

 

“I was just too busy being grateful I had him as a friend. I didn’t think I could have him as anything more. I just, it was too good to be true. I’ve been waiting since that first day, for him to realize what a tosser I am. I’ve been waiting for him to realize that I’m not worth it. I just, yeah.”

 

“What’re you talking about, Lou?”

 

“D’you know why I went to audition that day? I went because I was shit at everything else. My dad left and I had stay and take care of my mum. Then again, years later I had to step up and take care of me sisters. I grew up too fast, being the man of the house but I was shit at everything. At school, failed everything and just made it hard for the teachers. They called mum every other day to complain about me, that was my way of getting attention. I couldn’t wait to get out of school, go to uni. and get a proper job. Support mum and my sisters. Then I failed my A-levels but you already know that. I went to the audition just to get away from school, to see if I was good at anything. And that day, my life changed. 

 

I was still getting used to being there at boot camp and then we all got together. And I found Harry. It was so incredible to meet someone who just got me. And it was scary to find a person who just looked at me and it felt like he was looking right through me, right into my soul. And yet, ever since that day, I’ve been waiting for him to see through me. To realize that I don’t deserve him. Because I don’t, I don’t deserve any of you. I’ve just been waiting for him to see that I’m not worth it and leave. I--”

 

“Louis, he--”

 

“Don’t tell me he won’t leave, Zayn. Because that’s what people do, they leave. I know. I’ve lived with it.”

 

“But he won’t just--”

 

“He will. And that’s why I never even thought this was a possibility. I just couldn’t believe I had him as a mate, to think that I could have him as anything more was just impossible. I did want him, so many times over these years but I buried that part of me. That first year was hard, when I first realized I wanted him to be more than a mate, I was so confused but then I knew I didn’t deserve him so I forgot. I made myself forget. Then I met Eleanor and I love her, I do but I can’t honestly say that her leaving would make much of a difference. But Harry. If he left, I wouldn’t survive. I know I wouldn’t, I’d break. And that scared me so much, it still does. I convinced myself we were just mates, it was incredible having him around at all and I lied to myself that that’s all it was. I lied so much that I believed it too. And then after a while, it became the truth. 

 

Being with Eleanor in the day and coming home to Harry at night, that became my truth. And every so often I would catch myself looking at him, and wondering how long before he realises I don’t deserve him and he packs up and leaves. Looks like I was right in the end.”

 

“Lou. Why didn’t you ever talk to me? Or anyone else?”

 

“And say what?”

 

“You know we’d never leave you. You’ve got to know that. Right?”

 

He shakes his head because no, he doesn’t. And he doesn’t have the strength to look at Zayn and lie. 

 

“We’d never leave ya. And especially Harry. This is just a phase, he’s just trying to deal with--”

 

“What a tosser I am. Yeah, I know. And soon enough he’ll realize that I’ve been lying all along. That I never deserved him. He’s better off without me.”

 

“While I don’t agree with any of that, you’re right about that last bit. For now, he is better off. Because he’s so hurt and broken and he needs someone to take care of him. Daniel is that person right now, because you’re hurt too and you need someone to take care of you too. You can’t be that person for him right now.”

 

“I know I’ve hurt him and it’s eating at me, every second of every day. It’s killing me to know that I’ve caused him pain but I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know what to do to make it go away. I don’t know.”

 

“Just give him time. He needs to put all this behind him and then it’ll all go back to normal. Just don’t confuse him anymore than he already is. You’ve made your choices and as far as he knows you don’t feel anything for him. I had a chat with him last night, this Daniel person is really helping him out. And you still haven’t made up your mind, you still think you don’t deserve him so you clearly need some time. So just, take this vacation and think about everything. When you know what you want and Harry’s not so fragile anymore, then you can figure this out. Till then, just go your separate ways.”

 

Louis nods along because he knows Zayn is right. He has to give Harry a chance to get better. He would run to him right now and make it all better if he could. But he agrees with Zayn. As much as it hurts him to think about, it’s true. Harry needs someone to take care of him right now.

 

Zayn gets up from the floor and goes to put the first aid kit back. 

 

“So you’ll go on that vacation, then? Eleanor needs to know what’s going on at least and you need to clear your head.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll go. Be nice to get away from here” 

 

“Yeah. And I’ll come around later to get this cleaned up. I have to go to Perrie’s right now and you need to pack.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll get on that.”

 

“You’re okay, right Lou?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Just hold on, yeah? It’ll get better, I promise.”

 

“Thanks, Zayn.”

 

“And call me if you need anything. Anything. Don’t keep these things buried, just talk to me yeah?”

 

“Yeah okay, I will. Now get out of here.”

 

“I’m going, I’m going. Just have fun at your vacation and don’t worry about Harry, we’ll take care good care of him. You just have fun.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll see ya then.”

 

“Cheers.”

 

Zayn pulls him in into a gentle hug, mindful of his hurt hand. After he leaves, Louis walks back into the flat feeling a lot lighter than he had in the past few weeks. There is still a weight on his chest but at least he feels a bit better now. 

 

He decides to go and pack for his break after having some cereal for breakfast. As much as he would love to sit down and have a proper meal or drink more, he knows his body can’t take much more abuse than he’s put it through the past few weeks.

 

Louis’ going through his wardrobe and pulling clothes he’s taking, when the campy song on the radio fades out to give way to Nick Grimshaw’s voice.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notice the distinct lack of Harry in this chapter, I was originally going to continue beyond this and write a longer chapter but something happened when I logged onto tumblr today. There was an audio post of Zayn and Harry where they were telling a couple girls (allegedly underage) how to get past security and get to their hotel rooms. Apparently this is from 2012 and someone I talked to about it on tumblr said it's not true probably but here's my problem: I thought that out of all the media coverage and management's lying, the one thing that was absolutely certain was that Harry's media image is the exact opposite of how he really is. After that audio post, I'm not so sure. It basically just goes against everything I believed in. So, I'm a bit upset(not sure about which part) and more than a bit disappointed(don't know who with). I've never been immature enough to believe that we see everything but this is just a huge blow for some reason. So yeah, I can't bring myself to write Harry right now. When I feel like I've been lied to so extensively. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, if I've disappointed anybody I'm sorry. But yeah. Hopefully, by the time I start the next chapter, I'll feel better about him and Zayn especially. Because I almost went back and changed Zayn and Louis' interaction to Liam or Niall. I'm sorry for rambling, hope this note didn't turn any of you away. I guess I just need a bit of reassurance! Till next time.


	10. It's always have and never hold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that little freak-out last chapter, I'm better now. And Harry's back in L.A. Anyway, on you go!

“Good morning Great Britain and welcome to the Breakfast Show on BBC Radio One. This is Nick Grimshaw and if you want to watch this online you can, at .bbc.co.uk forward slash Radio 1. We are live here with Harry Styles and his mysterious, hot date from the Red Carpet of the Fall earlier this week. And to make it sound less creepy every time I mention him, his name is Daniel. And he is hot.”

 

Harry laughs loudly at this and Nick joins him as another voice cuts in,

 

“I don’t mind really.”

 

Nick laughs louder and Harry does his seal-bark that he does when he laughs before he can control it and stop himself. 

 

“Oh, I like him. This one’s a keeper.”

 

Nick’s heaving as he says this and Louis can feel his face getting hot when Harry replies with a timid,

 

“I know.”

 

There’s silence for a second and Louis can’t breathe because he hears the implied silence and all that it means. Why is this day so hurtful.

 

“Okay well let’s get the big questions out of the way so we can all relax a bit. Harry here looks like he’s about to write a maths test so let’s do this. So lads, the question on everyone’s mind: Are you two dating?”

 

Louis didn’t know it was possible to feel like someone’s pushed a knife through your heart when you’re the only one in a room. He feels a sharp pain shoot out in his chest and his right arm but he ignores it in favour of listening to Harry’s answer. He might be going into Cardiac arrest but he will hear the answer first.

 

“Dan and I have talked about it and we’ve both decided to just see where this goes.”

 

Louis never knew that you could feel this small. Like you don’t matter. 

 

“For the benefit of the listeners, Dan here is nodding his head. You have to talk, love. They can’t see you.”

 

Loud laughter rings out as Louis just stands there helplessly with a shirt in his hand that he had taken out of the cupboard to pack in his suitcase.

 

“I’m sorry love, you know I’m just joking.”

 

“I know, I know. I just forgot for a minute.”

 

“Okay, we’ll stop laughing now. Seriously though, so you both went to the Red Carpet, how was the film?”

 

“It was amazing, Dan really wanted to go see it and when I decided to go I thought it’d be a great surprise to ask him.”

 

“Aww, how considerate of you, Harry. Of course I had nothing to do with it even though I was the one that got the tickets. I see how it is.”

 

“No, thank you Nick. I am forever indebted to you.” 

 

“That’s more like it. You are quite welcome, Harry. Now I know this already but do you want to tell everyone else how you two met? If you want to.”

 

“Yeah, yeah of course. Daniel is Gemma’s, my sister’s mate from uni. And I went over to her place when I was having a bit of a rough time and Dan was there already. We chatted a bit and then when I moved in with Gemma I saw quite a lot of him and we got to know each other better. And then I asked him to go to the film with me.”

 

“So you were his knight in shining armour then? When he was having a rough time?”

 

“I would say so, yeah.”

 

“Hey…”

 

“What? I wasn’t?”

 

“Yeah, you were. Helped me out when I needed someone.”

 

Louis feels something wind up tight in his chest as he hears Harry and ‘Daniel’ interact so easily with each other. He is supposed to be the one that helps Harry, he’s supposed to be the one Harry comes to, not run away from.

 

“This is really touching and they’re smiling at each other right now and I think I might barf. Stop it, you two.”

 

“Hey..”

 

“Okay, on with the questions. So Harry, are you gay then? Sorry for putting it so bluntly but we’ve got 13 year olds all over the world who should be in bed right now tuning in just to hear this. So?”

 

“Not exactly.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“Well I mean I don’t want to label it. Like, I still fancy girls but also blokes. So not really.”

 

“You still fancy Caroline Flack then?”

 

“Oi!”

 

“What? That’s a legitimate question. Do you?”

 

“I think she’s alright.”

 

“What about previous relationships then? Old flames? All gone?”

 

Nick snickers a bit at the end of that and Louis gets the distinct feeling that it’s directed at him. He knows Harry would definitely tell Nick what was going on between them and that prick would go so far as to rub all of this in Louis’ face. He would. 

 

“Yeah, I’m working on it.”

 

“And how’s that make you feel, Dan?”

 

“About what?”

 

“That he’s still working on getting over his old flames.”

 

“Who isn’t.”

 

“Oh, interesting answer. 100 points to Gryffindor. Alright, we’re taking a short break and when we come back more about Harry Styles and One Direction.”

 

Louis can’t move from where he’s frozen on the ground, his legs won’t carry him and he doesn’t have the energy to protest. Why does everything seem so slow. 

 

“Welcome back to Radio one, we have Harry Styles from One Direction here with his boyfriend, can I say that? ‘Boyfriend’?”

 

Louis feels his breath hitch in the second that it takes for Harry to answer.

 

“Yes.”

 

His knees give out and he tumbles to the floor before he can hold on to anything. The cold marble digs into his bare legs but he stays there. It’s a sweet kind of pain.

 

“Alright then, let’s get on with the questions. So you lads are doing well then, that’s great. Also congratulations Harry on coming out, well sort of. I am very proud of you, I knew you’d be strong enough. But what about your band mates though, how did they react? Did they already know? Because there have been slips-ups in the past where someone has said something controversial. Like Liam Payne said something on twitter recently and Tomlinson said something too, I remember. So how’d they take it?”

 

“They’ve been great, very supportive. They already knew about it, I mean when you’re as close as we are you know everything. But I never went out with a guy before so that was a bit of a shock but they’ve been very supportive. And that twitter thing with Liam was just a mistake, he cleared that up later. I don’t know what happened with Louis, though.”

 

It feels like a punch to the gut when Harry mentions his name but dismisses him so easily. Like he just doesn’t matter. 

 

“That’s great then, you need the support of the people close to you when you’re doing this. And so, you’re still interested in women. I mean not right now, obviously since you’re taken. But in general.”

 

He hears a soft whimper when Grimshaw says ‘taken’ and it takes him a moment to realize it was him that made that sound. He’s alone at home. 

 

“For the millions of girls in the world who would die for Harry Styles, let me just repeat that. Harry Styles still fancies women. Is that correct?”

 

“That is correct, yes. I just don’t really like labels. I mean I’m still the same person, nothing’s changed except now I can openly go out with whoever I want.”

 

“There you have it Britain, Harry Styles still fancies women but doesn’t like labels. Me too actually, I mean I know what you mean about labels.”

 

“I think that labels are for things and not people.”

 

“Well said, Harry. Well said. So Dan, you’re at Uni with Senior Styles then.”

 

“Hahahaha, yeah I go to uni with Gemma. Do you mind if I use that, ‘Senior Styles’? She would be so mad.”

 

“Go ahead, mate. Looks like you get along real well with her.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve known her for four years now. We lived together for a while there too. I just never met her little brother that she loves so much.”

 

“Oh that is a lie. She does not, I remember I met her at a party once last year. We were both pissed and she kept saying how Harry was a bratty little shit who never called her.”

 

“Are you saying that you and my sister were discussing me behind my back while pissed?”

 

“No, that is not what I am saying. I do not indulge in alcoholism; it’s a nasty little habit.”

 

Louis can hear faint voices and he knows the radio’s still on but his ears are ringing with the words from before and he can’t pay attention to anything else. 

 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there staring at the blank wall and hearing Harry’s voice say ‘I can be with whoever I want. Boyfriend. Daniel’ on a loop. 

 

At some point he gets up and walks to the lobby and finds his laptop. Because he hates himself, he goes to the website and plays the interview.

 

When he sees Harry and Daniel looking at each other and smiling, he’s not ready for it. The laptop clatters to the ground from Louis’arms as he loses his footing when he sees the faces on the screen and the fond look being shared.

 

His whole world shatters around his ears and he loses balance and stumbles backward from the sheer force of dread that fills his chest. A wave of acute loss washes him over as he realizes that this is it. 

 

He’s lost Harry.

 

***

 

Harry drives home in a daze after his chat with Zayn because as much as he wants to forget it and move on, he can’t get the sight of Louis stalking needily toward him out of his mind. He’s driving on auto-pilot and he knows he should just forget but his mind won’t let him.

 

How Louis had walked toward him with total abandon and his mind had betrayed him in seconds and started a ceaseless chant of ‘Kisshimkisshimkisshim’ and he had just stood there frozen waiting for Louis to do it.

 

And he had come so close too, he had pinned Harry against the wall. There was so little space between them and Louis’ eyes were boring into his before flicking down to his lips. Harry was dying inside to feel Louis’ lips on his, he was dying for a touch. His hands were trembling from need, his skin burning hot and Louis leaned in and Harry thought ‘This is all I’ve wanted for three years’ and then Louis disappeared.

 

He’d pulled back and run out the toilet without looking back.

 

He’s got tears streaming down his face as he parks in front of Gemma’s house and sits in the car waiting to get his sobs under control. He can’t go in like this, Gemma would kill Louis first ask questions later.

 

It takes him some time especially since his heart hasn’t gotten the message to calm down yet, it’s still pattering away carelessly when he startles at a knock on his window. 

 

Gemma’s standing outside the car peering in with worried eyes and her hand on the glass. Harry shuffles around to roll the window down.

 

“Open the door for me, love.”

 

Gemma doesn’t stop to hear his protests and makes her way to the passenger side door. He makes a sad effort at wiping his face as she climbs in.

 

“What’s wrong, Harry?”

 

“Nothing, I was just—“

 

“You don’t have to lie to me, love. I know you, something’s bothering you. What is it?”

 

“I was just thinking. Well, I’ve been told to go on Grimmy’s show tomorrow morning with Daniel and talk about us. I was thinking about asking him, I mean he didn’t exactly sign up for this.”

 

“I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to help you out. Plus he’s got an embarrassingly huge crush on Nick. And I need to talk to you about him, anyway. Are you two going out now? I mean I didn’t get to ask after the ‘humping-the-fridge’ incident but I saw the photos on twitter.”

 

“Shut up. We’re not going out exactly. I need to talk to him about that too, figure out what we’re doing. At least he won’t feel pressurized to go if he likes Grimmy.”

 

“Oh trust me, he would never do anything just because he felt pressurized. He’d say no so don’t worry about that. Now, what’s really bugging you?”

 

“What?”

 

“Hazza, I’ve literally changed your diapers. If you think you can use this deflection shit you usually do on me, you’re in for a huge surprise. Just tell me what’s bothering you. I have a good idea who this is about.”

 

“I just, I don’t know Gem.”

 

“Has something happened? I thought you were doing better. You and Dan were looking quite good, what’s happened now?”

 

“He tried to kiss me.”

 

“Dan?”

 

“Louis.”

 

It slips out before he can stop it, he hadn’t even let himself think it in his mind. Because he’s not sure that’s what happened. He just doesn’t know, it looked like Louis was about to kiss him but he’s not sure. Maybe it’s just his stupid brain playing tricks on him. Maybe none of it happened.

 

“What? When?”

 

“I don’t know what it was, Gem. I’m not sure. I don’t know if it even happened or if I’m just imagining things now.”

 

“Harry, when did this happen?”

 

“Today, after we were done at the studio everyone decided to go out for a bit.”

 

“And?”

 

He tells her everything, whatever he can remember. He can’t really help it when his voice breaks as he tells her about Louis rushing out of there without so much as a glance.

 

“He just left. Didn’t even look back, just dashed.”

 

“Oh Hazza, come ‘ere love.”

 

She pulls him in and hugs him tight and he closes his eyes and lets himself be held even though it’s really uncomfortable over the center console.

 

“It’s okay, Haz. I’ve got you.”

 

He just rests his head on her shoulder and holds on.

 

“Listen, I’ve tried to stay out of this I mean I haven’t been very successful but I’ve tried. I think it’s time you let go. Here’s what I think you should do, give him some time. Wait till tomorrow morning for him to say something. Give him till then to come back, if he doesn’t just let it go. Let him go.”

 

He feels his stomach drop in an unpleasant manner when he hears those words.

 

“I know it’s hard love but you have to do it sometime. And you’ve been hurting for long enough. Wait for him till tomorrow, if he doesn’t come back then just let him go. He’s got plenty of time to think and do something till then. You can’t keep hurting yourself over this. I won’t stand for that. You deserve to be put first, before everything.”

 

“Thanks, Gem.”

 

“Come on now, let’s get you to bed.”

 

He calls and asks Dan to come around for a bit. This is a conversation that’s been long coming and he just can’t put it off anymore.

 

“First of all, we’ve been asked to do the Breakfast Show on Radio One tomorrow morning. And I’ll let you decide if you want to or not but before that we need to talk.”

 

“Okay. That sounds serious, go on.”

 

“I really like you, Dan. You’ve been so kind to me and helped me so much, I could never be grateful enough. I’m so glad I met you. I just, also couldn’t forgive myself if I hurt you so I’m just going to lay it all out.

 

I’m still in love with Louis. I am trying so hard to let go and I know I will eventually be able to but he was my life for three years and I can’t just cut a part of myself off and move on. So it’s going to take some time, may be a lot of time. 

 

I don’t want to lead you on. I’d never forgive myself if anything I did hurt you. So, I’m letting you know now. You can decide where to go from here. I can wait if you want. I just don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“Stan, he’s my best friend from back home and I’ve been in love with him for seven years. I thought he’d never feel the same and years I spent just pining and looking from afar. And then last year at a college party he was drunk and he kissed me. My whole world turned upside down and he walked away laughing.

 

I confronted him about it and he kissed me again. For months, he’d just show up and kiss me and all my defenses would crumble to the ground. He’d pull me into bed and I’d go willingly. Then every morning, he’d be gone with no word.

 

Kept happening for months, when I finally asked him what he felt he told me he has a girlfriend. I was broken, Gemma took me in. I didn’t know what to do for weeks, then he came back. Crying and begging, said he was sorry. ‘I was just scared of being gay’ he said and I forgave him. That was the last time I saw him, two days before I met you.

 

So yeah, I’m in love with someone else too. And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner but I just never thought we’d be anything more than mates. And now here we are. I really like you too, Harry and you’re not leading me on. 

 

Now, we both know what’s happening. All I can say is, I do see us being more than just mates. I see us working out but we’re both just too broken to do anything right now. I want to see how it goes but no pressure. Just see what happens.”

 

He’s just sitting there on the sofa staring at Dan because he can’t believe everything he’s just heard. This man, who’s been his rock for the past few weeks is living with all this pain. How? 

 

“How are you still breathing? I’d never be able to after all that.”

 

“Yes, you would and you are. You’re hurt and you’re broken and you’re just fine. I’m not going to lie, it never stops hurting but it does get easier to live with the pain. You just get used to it.”

 

“That doesn’t sound any better.”

 

“I know it doesn’t but believe me, it gets easier. Plus now, we’ve got each other.”

 

He looks at Harry with raised eyebrows as if asking him if they have got each other.

 

“Yes, we do. I also want to see where this goes. I think we could work too.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Good.”

 

He spends the night on the sofa again after a quiet dinner with Gemma and Dan and a chaste good night kiss from him before he left. Harry couldn’t help but smile lazily at him as he waved and left. 

 

He also couldn’t get the memory of a blue-eyed boy standing close and leaning into him, out of his head. And it keeps him up all night. 

 

He tosses and turns for hours on the narrow sofa waiting for Louis to call or show up. He knows he can’t be the only one losing sleep over this, can’t be the only one being torn apart.

 

When he can’t lie there anymore, he gets up and walks to the kitchen. It’s pitch dark and he stubs his toe on the table and a litany of fairly-tame curses leaves his mouth. Gemma appears within seconds looking worried. He sends her off to bed lying about getting a glass of water.

 

Then he spends hours sitting at the kitchen table replaying the past three years in his mind and just waiting for a phone call from Lou.  
His mind plays tricks on him several times when he thinks he hears his phone ringing or the bell but there’s no one.

 

He thinks of the ski trip they’d gone on and how Louis had taught him how to ski. He thinks of all the interviews where Louis had insisted on sitting next to him and then spent the entire time whispering jokes in his ear so he couldn’t answer the questions. He thinks of that store anniversary they’d gone to in the beginning when Louis had taken his hand and pulled him in and danced with him for hours. 

 

He waits.

 

Until he can’t wait anymore. It’s light outside and he forces himself to get up and go lie down on the sofa. It’s just a couple hours he’d get to sleep before he has to wake up and go do the radio show.

 

He closes his eyes and lies down quietly. No tears fall from his eyes today. They’ve all dried up. He doesn’t have any more left in him.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Nick part of this is based on some episodes(?) of his radio show I listened to for this chapter. I apologize for any glaring mistakes. What else did I do wrong this chapter? SPEAK NOW.


	11. Whether we're together or apart, we can both remove the masks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Surprise! Yayy! Okay, then. There are some pictures/gifs in the notes below that are my headcanons for some situations in this chapter although they might be a bit spoiler-y. How about I put an * at the end of the sentences that have photos/gifs? Anyway, enjoy!

Harry’s waiting for Nick to wrap up the show and Dan’s already outside talking to Gemma on the phone about some Research Paper. Nick is winking at him from his seat while saying goodbye and he can’t help but smile back.

 

He’d called Nick late last night after talking to Daniel and deciding that they would do the radio show. Nick had been supportive as ever, promised to not be very invasive but reminding him that certain things just need to be said. And when he’d asked Harry about Louis, he’d just told him that it was over.

 

Nick hadn’t brought it up again. But from the concerned looks he was getting right now, Harry had a feeling Nick was going to bring up Louis. And right he was.

 

“So how did Tomlinson fuck up this time?”

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

“What? Are you saying he didn’t fuck up?”

 

“No, just. Leave it.”

 

“I’m not leaving it, Harold. Let’s so get a cuppa and you can tell me all about what that prick did this time.”

 

“Hey, don’t call him that.”

 

“Fine, I won’t. You don’t have to tell me but I’d feel better if I knew you were okay. And we also need to talk about your hunk. What’s the deal with him anyway?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean if you’re still pining over Tomlinson, where does he fit in?”

 

“I told you in there, we’re—“

 

“Boyfriends? C’mon Harry, I know you. You’re a fall in love once a lifetime man. And your once a lifetime is Tomlinson, we both know this. So then, what are you doing with Daniel? Although he is smoking and I approve.”

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

“It’s not like what? Because if you’re saying you are over Tomlinson I would suggest go look in a mirror. You literally look like Leo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic every time I even mention Louis’ name.”

 

“Hey...”

 

“What? I’m telling it how it is. C’mon let’s go.”

 

“Hold on, I need to ask Dan if he needs a lift.”

 

“Oh what a doting boyfriend you are!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

He jogs over to Dan who’s still on the phone and rambling something about the male circumcision. Harry taps him on the shoulder and he turns around and covers the phone.

 

“Hey, you all done?”

 

“Yeah, Nick and I were going to get a cuppa. You coming with?”

 

“Actually no, I’ve got to get back to uni. Gem’s got a term paper coming up and I’m helping her. I was just waiting for you to get out so I could tell you.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You okay?”

 

“Huh? Yeah. You need a lift?”

 

“No, I’ll walk. See you later, babe.”

 

“Cheers.”

 

He isn’t expecting Daniel to lean in and casually drop a kiss on his forehead while talking into the phone again but it’s a pleasant surprise and catches him off-guard. A smile breaks out on his face of its own accord and Dan returns a huge smile of his before winking and turning away to walk back to Uni.

 

Harry turns around and starts walking to his car with a silly smile on his face. Nick’s standing next to his car with his eyebrows almost touching his hairline. Harry silently walks over to the driver’s side.

 

“Okay, I take it back. You might not be as piny as I thought.”

 

“Just shut it.”

 

“Ooh, a blush. From a forehead kiss, what are you thirteen?”

 

“It’s just, it’s nice being wanted.”

 

“That it is, Harold. That it is. And to be wanted by that.”

 

“Grimmy, just shut up.”

 

“What? He’s hot.”

 

“Oh my god. Now you’ve both got a crush on each other!”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“Wha'?”

 

“You said you’ve both got a crush on each other. Why wasn’t I told about this? He fancies me? WHY HARRY?”

 

“Oh god, please don’t say anything to him. He’s going to kill me.”

 

“Not if I kill you first. Spill.”

 

“Okay, so he may have sort of hinted that he thinks you’re fit.”

 

“And you didn’t bother to tell me this, why? I could’ve been flirting with him the whole time.”

 

“That’s why.”

 

“Fair point.”

 

“But I’m not leading him on, y’know. We talked about this, he knows about Louis and he’s okay with it.”

 

“He’s okay with the fact that you’re in love with someone else?”

 

“He’s okay with the fact that I’m getting over someone else.”

 

“Yeah right.”

 

They spend a good hour or so just casually sipping on tea and talking about what’s going on in life. Harry doesn’t tell Nick everything about what happened with Louis last night but he does give him a vague idea. And Nick as always is unforgiving.

 

“The bottom line is Harold, all my bias and hatred of him aside, he has been a total tosser. He could’ve been a bit kinder, could’ve not led you on because trust me, he led you on. I saw it, every time we were within spitting range I saw it. He looked at you like you were the only person in the world. And I thought for sure, he’s just taking his sweet time coming out. But I never thought he’d go and hurt you like this. Just, you can’t do anything about it. Can you?”

 

It catches him off guard. He hasn’t asked himself this, and no one else has asked him either. And the answer just flows out of his mouth before he can think about what he’s saying.

 

“No.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Nick is right. He can’t do anything about it. He can hurt, he’s hurting right now but that’s all he can do.

 

“Anyway, now that you’ve had that epiphany - the look on your face says it all, you look like you’ve had chocolate milk for the first time – let’s talk about your boy Dan. He seems like a--”

 

He looks apologetically over at Grimmy as his phone goes off in the middle of talking. Nick waves his hand dismissively and picks up his tea.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Alright, Harry?”

 

“Alright, Zayn?”

 

“Yeah mate, listen I’m calling about Louis. I went to see him this mornin’, he’s okay. I mean there’s some things we talked about that you and the lads should hear but it’s nothing urgent. He is fine, your flat is another issue though. Looks like a hurricane flew through there, huge mess. Lou’s going on that vacation today, actually he’d have already left by now he was supposed to go about an hour ago. Anyway, I told him I’d come by and clean up the flat but I have—“

 

“It’s okay, I can do it.”

 

“Harry, are you sure? I mean I can’t do it now but I can get—“

 

“No, it’s fine. I’ll do it. I’m out with Grimmy right now but I’ll go over in a bit.”

 

“Are you sure it’s not a hassle?”

 

“Zayn, it’s my flat too. It’s okay, I’ll take care of it.”

 

“Thanks mate, I really need to visit mum and Pez wants to go along so I’m a bit tied up. I was planning on going there tomorrow and if you decide not to go just let me know. I’ll take care of it.”

 

“I’ve got it, Zayn. It’s all good.”

 

“Thanks, mate.”

 

“No thank you, mate.”

 

“Listen, Lou’s fine, Hazza. He just needs some time off, otherwise he’s fine. I promise. So don’t worry, yeah?”

 

“Yeah okay. Thanks Zayn.”

 

“Cheers mate. I’ll talk to you later.”

 

“Later. Say hi to your mum.”

 

“Will do, bye Harry.”

 

He sits back down and Nick’s looking at him questioningly.

 

“Please tell me that wasn’t Tomlinson asking you to do something unreasonable.”

 

“No, that was Zayn. He uh, he went by to see Louis this morning. Said he’s fine but the flat’s all messed up.”

 

“Why is he giving you daily reports on Tomlinson?”

 

“I asked him to go over and check on Louis, he’s been very shabby and frail lately, I was worried. So I asked Zayn to go over and check on him. He says the flat’s really messy so I’m going over to—“

 

“Are you doing paid cleaning now? Or unpaid actually. D’you mind coming around to do mine as well?”

 

“It’s not like that, Grimmy.”

 

“What is it like then? He messes up the whole place wildly partying and you go over to clean up after him?”

 

“It’s my flat too.”

 

“When was the last time you were there?”

 

“That’s not important, it’s still my home.” 

 

“Is it?”

 

He wants to say it is but the hesitation is there, he hasn’t even been to the flat in weeks. The last time he was there was when he walked out in the middle of the night after the argument. He hadn’t even gone back to get his clothes or anything else.

 

He does really want to see his flat, their flat. The flat they’d gotten because they really wanted to live together and that was the perfect place. The kitchen was perfect because it faced Louis’ bedroom and the first thing he saw when he came out of his room in the morning would be Harry cooking breakfast for him. Not that Louis ever came out of his room in the morning because he always slept in Harry’s, which had the bigger bed to fit them both and the duvet that was thin enough that they always use it even on the warmer nights. It had the curtains always drawn because even though Harry preferred the light in the morning, Louis hated it when he woke up to sunlight streaming in through the curtains and falling on his face.

 

And that’s why they had the sunroof because Harry really liked the place to be light when it was a bright day outside and they could lazily sit around and read on Sundays. The long hallway that was littered with photos from the years they’d known each other but also before but those were few. Most of them were memories they made together and hung them in the hallway so Harry could walk from one end of the wall to the other on the hard days, at snail-speed just admiring the world they’d created for each other, with each other and Louis would come up behind him and watch him tracing the photos with his fingers while his mind was replaying all those moments in clear detail.

 

The drawing room with the huge sofa just so it could fit all five of them when they came over and wanted to play FIFA. 

 

And a white leather sofa at that because ‘It looks posh Hazza and I’ve always wanted it cuz all the rich people always have a white leather sofa. I told myself I’d buy one when I was rich. Can we please buy the white one, please Hazza?’

 

‘You’d have to clean it then.’

 

‘Always. Promise.’

 

He really wants to go home. 

 

“It is.”

 

***

 

It’s quiet when he puts his key in the lock and a sigh of relief escapes him unintentionally when the key turns and the door opens because somewhere in his mind he was scared that the door wouldn’t open. That this wasn’t his home anymore.

 

He doesn’t know what to expect when he steps in, Zayn had said it was a proper mess but he hadn’t really expected it to look like this. The TV’s on the floor shattered to pieces, the coffee table’s turned on its side and there’s food on the carpet. He steps in closer and finds that the laptop is also on the floor and broken, he can’t help the gasp when he sees dried droplets of blood on white leather and the glass shards nearby. He thinks Zayn would say something if Louis was hurt. He would.

 

He carefully steps around the glass shards, there’s also a huge brown stain on the other end of the sofa and from the food containers still on the floor he can tell it’s probably curry. This looks worse than Zayn had described to him, his belly plummets when his eyes find the endless bottles of vodka on the floor. These were all the expensive, strong ones that they’d gotten from Russia last year. And they’re all empty now.

 

There’s a hole in the wall right beside where the TV would be and he knows it’s there because Louis punched through the wall. The blue vase that they’d gotten from Italy last year is shattered next to the sofa and the chairs from the dining table are all toppled over. It looks like someone just went around and trashed everything barehanded with no qualms. 

 

The kitchen is an even bigger mess, the counters are all covered with the empty bottles that Harry knows were all full and locked away two weeks ago. His heart lurches when he thinks about how much Louis has drank in the two weeks, it’s enough to have caused serious health issues maybe even killed someone. No. Don’t think that, his mind chides.

 

Hesitantly, he steps toward the hallway where he knows the photos would be the most painful thing to look at but he misses seeing that collage of his life. It’s his favourite part of the flat, of his home.

 

Only the sight that meets him is not the story of his life pieced together in pictures. It’s an empty wall.

 

There are no photos on it except one. They’ve all been taken down. 

 

He steps closer really slow as if scared to disturb something that’s not there. It’s the photo from when they’d gone on the skiing holiday, Harry was supposed to be smiling wide in the photo because Louis had just made the stupidest joke in French and it didn’t even make sense but Harry laughs at all of Louis’ jokes so he had laughed at that one too. But then he’d almost slipped and so the photo had ended up being him trying to dig in his skiis and keep his balance while Louis himself was standing a little bit to his right, out of the photo and looking at Harry with a fond expression on his face. This was Harry’s favourite picture of all of them.*

 

As he gets close enough to touch, he sees a red hand print on it. There’s some glass left on the frame in the right corner but the rest of it is missing. He can’t help but bring his hand to rest on the bloody impression and by the size of it against his own palm he can tell it’s Louis’ hand. Louis’ blood.

 

Not that he couldn’t tell otherwise.

 

“Harry?”

 

He startles when he hears the soft voice behind him. 

 

He wants to run away, to just go and unsee all that he’s seen here today. Forget everything and just run. But he knows how it feels to be on the other side, to be left standing when someone runs away from you and he wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. So he stays. 

 

And he stays like that, his hand by his side now itching to reach out and touch the photo again but he stays like that facing the wall and away from the voice.

 

When a moment of silence passes with no noise from anywhere, he turns around.

 

Louis is standing behind him just like he used to, observing him while he admired his wall of memories. Except this time, neither of them knows what to say. He’s going to try though because Harry Styles is nothing if not a tryer.

 

“Zayn said you wouldn’t be home. Going on vacation.”

 

“I didn’t go.”

 

“I came by to clean up, he said it looked really bad.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, I’ll get started.”

 

“I’m sorry, Haz.”

 

“It’s fine. Actually, I’m gonna go. Zayn said he’ll come by tomorrow to clean this all up. If you want, I can get a cleaner in earlier than that.”

 

“Heard you on the radio this morning.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s been looking down at the floor this whole time because he can’t bring himself to look at Louis.

 

“I’ll call the cleaners now.”

 

He starts to walk away from the wall, taken a single step and it hurts to walk away from the most peaceful place he’s known in years. Two steps and his phone is in his hand when he hears the words he’d never thought he would.

 

“When’d you get over me?”

 

His feet stop moving the second his brain registers what’s been said and he has to look up now. Louis’ standing closer and his eyes are swimming with tears to the brim. Harry wants to wrap him up in his arms but something stops him.

 

“What?”

 

He knows what. He’s heard what Louis’ said, he just doesn’t understand.

 

“You said you were going out with him. You said you were over old flames. When did you get over me?”

 

He knows he should walk away, he knows. He should go before his broken heart is wrenched out of his chest and crushed once again. But this is Louis. And Harry’s never been able to walk away from Louis.

 

“Do you love him?”

 

He knows he should say something. Anything. After all it was the keeping quiet and not saying anything that got him hurt in the first place. But he also knows that if he hadn’t said anything then he and Louis would still be living here together. He can’t bring himself to say anything.

 

He’s walking away because he can’t stand there anymore and he hasn’t even taken two steps when a movement out of the corner of his eye stops him short. He looks up to see Louis dropping down on his knees* like life has just been drained out of him. When he looks up there are tears rolling down his face and he speaks in the most broken voice Harry’s ever heard.

 

“Come back to me, please. Please. I was so blind, I didn’t see it. All this time, it was right before him but I didn’t see it. I thought you were like everyone else. I thought you’d leave me too. ‘Cuz everyone leaves me, and I told myself you can’t love him. You can’t. He will leave and you’ll be wrecked. Because I knew I couldn’t live without you. So I forced myself to not fall in love with you but it was too late. I’d already fallen. Since that first day you picked me up on that stage. 

 

I was a fool, thought I’d save myself the heartbreak by pushing it all down. Thought if I didn’t do anything then you wouldn’t leave. Mates don’t leave, well they do but they don’t wrench your heart out and take it with them. Thought I’d be fine lying to myself and to you, hurting you to save myself. But I can’t anymore, Haz.

 

I can’t. You’re my home. I can’t come back to this empty shell. I can’t lie anymore. I can’t have and not hold anymore. I am yours, always was. If you’ll have me. Please come back to me, Harry.”

 

He’s lost in some other world because none of this makes sense, what is Louis saying? 

 

Harry doesn’t know what’s happening, Louis’ voice is ringing in his head and he can hear his words over and over but it’s so loud and yet so distant. He’s moved but he doesn’t know when. 

 

He looks down to see Louis still on his knees with his arms wound tight around Harry’s middle and his face buried in his shirt. He feels wetness on his belly from where tears have soaked into his shirt and his hands are tracing through Louis’ hair and he doesn’t know how he got here. 

 

His hand trails down Louis’ arm to reach for his hand and as he pulls him up he sees the bandage on his hand that’s soaked through and there’s a red spot. Something flares through him at the sight and he pulls Louis into him. When he hits Harry’s chest and wraps his arms around him, it feels like he’s home.

 

“I’d never leave you. I’m sorry I walked out that day, I’m so sorry Lou.”

 

“No, it’s not your fault Hazza. I am sorry, I am so so sorry for hurting you. Please come back to me?”

 

He knows Louis can’t see him but he nods his head anyway. His eyes are closed and he’s holding on tight to Louis. He just doesn’t dare opening them, in case this turns out to be a dream. Because he’d never make it out of this alive if reality was so cruel to him.

 

He feels Louis pulling out of his arms and his heart drops because no, please no. Not again.

 

He’s dreading opening his eyes because he can’t see those guarded eyes again after he’s seen the pain in them just now. He just can’t.

 

And then he feels something touch his lips, he opens his eyes to find Louis leaning up and pressing his lips to Harry’s in the most delicate way and his heart lurches painfully fast because he’s seen this countless times in his dreams hoping that one day that he'd make a dream last. And now here he is.

 

Louis starts to pull back and his startling blue eyes open questioningly and Harry can’t stop just yet, he moves his lips and brushes them against Louis’ with the need that he’s feeling deep inside. Louis leans back in and his arms curl around Harry’s neck in the most intimate of ways.

 

He’s not thinking of Louis’ hurt hand right now even though he should be, all he’s thinking about is his hands trailing down Louis’ torso making their way down his thighs and then lunging forward and picking him up to wrap his legs around Harry’s waist. Once he’s got Louis in his arms he starts walking toward his bedroom and his hand makes its way to Louis’ cheek to tilt his head a little and deepen the kiss.

 

He’s definitely not thinking of anything else as he steps into his bedroom and stops to push Louis’ back to the wall, as his mouth falls opens at the sudden contact Harry nudges his lips with his tongue. Louis makes the whiniest noise and it just urges him on. His tongue finds Louis’ and the wetness makes him crave more. 

 

Waiting for years. Want. Need. 

 

That’s all he knows as he carries Louis to his bed and lays him down and he pulls Harry along. Their lips find each other in seconds and this way he can feel Louis’ entire body against his and the heat will surely kill him if nothing else. Louis’ fingers rake through his hair and his nails scratch his scalp in that way that makes him keen and lean into the touch, a low moan escapes him when Louis scratches harder. He pushes his knee in between Louis’ legs and the writhing man under him arches off the bed and makes a wet noise of pure need.

 

Harry can’t help but push his thigh harder and Louis pushes back and from where he is, Harry’s looking down at Louis with his mouth falling open and wet moans escaping, him panting while he rides Harry’s thigh and by god, it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

 

He can’t let him come just yet though and from the noises Louis’ making, he’s pretty close. Harry removes his thigh and silences Louis’ whiny complain by dipping down and sucking hard on his collar bone. The collar bone that tortured him quite a few times when Louis decided to wear scoop-necks and show off his tattoos and his beautiful, beautiful neck. 

 

Harry wants it to have a mark on it, his mark. So everyone can see that Louis is Harry’s. He knows it objectifies him, but after three years of yearning and needing, he thinks he deserves to leave a hickey or two.

 

Louis’ still making these quiet, needy moans and his back keeps arching as Harry continues a slow, torturous cycle of sucking, biting and soothing with his tongue. He pulls back to look down at the mark and it’s right above the tattoo, he likes it.

 

He’s brought back to reality when he feels Louis’ thigh pushing against his crotch and he has to squeeze his eyes shut because the friction is beautiful and he might just come from Louis touching him like that and his mouth that’s currently marking Harry on his neck. Louis’ merciless as he moves his thigh in a rough rhythm and his hands tug painfully on Harry’s curls and he swears he sees stars behind his closed eyelids. That’s when he knows he needs to stop Louis before he comes from just touching. He’s waited too long to not feel Louis’ skin against him as he reaches that high that he’s been chasing for years.

 

When he pulls back a little, Louis gets the hint and he lets go of his curls. Harry dips down to take off Louis’ shirt and starts kissing his chest. The smooth tan skin is perfect under his hands as it blushes a deep red when Harry breathes down on one of his nipples. He lightly licks it and just as Louis takes in a sharp breath, he bites down on it. Louis arches off the bed and into his arms. Harry traces his fingers in his hair and lays him down again gently to kiss him on his navel, Louis squirms a bit but settles down stark still when Harry keeps kissing a trail down to the waistband of his pajamas. 

 

He takes them off slowly while Louis stays still with his eyes closed and a laboured breathing which picks up even more when Harry’s hand gently glides over his length. Harry knows Louis’ close so he doesn’t tease much. He takes his own clothes off and then lies back down on top of Louis. The feeling of hot skin against his own is electric and he feels like he could faint from this sensation if he stayed like this for a while.

 

Louis reaches up and pulls his head down to kiss him, and Harry really wants to keep kissing him. He wants this feeling to become normal and to keep this sensation forever and never give it up. Then Louis bites his lip and Harry can’t do slow right now because his lip might be bleeding from where Louis’ bit it, he feels a current run through where he’s touching Louis and he needs, right now.

 

His hand finds its way between their bodies and he firmly makes a grip around Louis and himself. Louis’ head falls to the bed and his mouth is open obscenely as he pants and his eyes are shut tight. Harry loves watching him like this, wrecked and just when he thinks he’s seen it all Louis makes this deep, broken sound. He moans low in his throat as Harry’s hand starts working in a rhythm around them. He stops and squeezes and Louis’ eyes fly open and he’s writhing under Harry, his hands find their way back to Harry’s curls and when he tugs hard and pulls at his curls, Harry loses it. He can’t go slow anymore, his hand picks up a fast pace as Louis removes one of his hands from his hair and it goes down to cover Harry’s hand around them and grips tighter. 

 

Harry can feel Louis’ fingers pressing on his hand as he jerks fast and he’s really close, Louis shudders under him when his hand tightens even more. Louis’ hand in his curls tugs harder and harder and it’s now gotten really close to painful, and then Louis’ finger moves over his hand and traces over his slit and he’s looking into darkness as his body almost shuts down from the pleasure and his hand slips from around him and falls around Louis and within seconds, Louis cries out in a high-pitched scream and his hand pulls on Harry’s hair before going slack.

 

Harry opens his eyes blearly to see Louis lying beside him, his chest rising and falling sharply and his mouth open sucking in deep breaths. Harry would be concerned about him if only he didn’t see the mess covering his chest and the little twitches of his stomach. He looks beautiful.

 

“You look beautiful.”

 

Louis cracks his eyes open and his cheeks turn a lovely red as he turns his head to look at Harry.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“I’m not lying, Lou. You do look beautiful.”

 

And just when he thought Louis could never say anything that would surprise him again, he moves closer to Harry and puts his lips to his ear and whispers,

 

“I love you.”

 

He can’t help it that his breath hitches. He can’t help it that his eyes flutter shut. He can’t help it that his heart skips a beat. He can’t help it that his dick twitches.

 

Louis places a chaste kiss on the shell of his ear and then one on his temple before the bed dips a bit and Harry opens his eyes to see him getting up. Fear rises fast in his chest and he desperately reaches out and holds Louis hand and tugs on it.

 

“Lou?”

 

That’s all he can bring himself to ask. Louis turns around and leans down to kiss his hand and then pries his fingers open. He gets his hand free and leaves the room.

 

Harry lies there on the bed looking at the ceiling he’d spent many a sleepless night staring at with Louis sound asleep in his arms. He startles when he feels a cold sensation on his belly. When he lifts his head to look, he finds Louis scrubbing at his messy belly with a wet towel and he can’t take his eyes off him. 

 

Louis throws the towel somewhere and lies down beside Harry and turns toward him to wrap an arm around his middle like he used to.  
“I’m so sorry, Hazza. I’ll never do that again, promise.”

 

He closes his eyes as he feels tears prick them and just hold Louis close.

 

“I love you.”

 

There it is again. Louis is going to kill him if he keeps doing this. And Harry would happily go if Louis keeps doing this.

 

“I love you, Lou. Always have.”

 

And they fall asleep in their home, in their bed.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The photos/gifs: Harry's skiing photo - http://d2srvtdub1i1qz.cloudfront.net/event/IA927258/IA927258_large.jpg
> 
> Louis dropping down on his knees - http://hoechl-bear.tumblr.com/post/77788227995/can-we-all-just-take-a-moment-to-appreciate-the
> 
> Some of the other photos on the wall - https://31.media.tumblr.com/a13ad8e3c9d2858414592114782efdfa/tumblr_mr7v7sJu391qgcg31o7_500.jpg
> 
> https://31.media.tumblr.com/0142186aa329f3aa4a7a8bfe8e6dd1cf/tumblr_mr7v7sJu391qgcg31o9_500.jpg
> 
> https://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyr8349mpT1r6jzo5o1_500.jpg
> 
> https://31.media.tumblr.com/530228133ab3e74faf36f494b69a65b1/tumblr_mz22hkSmtW1sdkx9so2_500.jpg
> 
> https://31.media.tumblr.com/eda02cdaa2a85f2ed02b39eacca6fdbb/tumblr_myukq9X4a51rmcnl8o1_500.png
> 
> Okay few things, sorry for the awkward attempt at smut, again. Like I mentioned before, these are real people and while I might have no qualms about writing about their feelings as if I know them, writing smut for them is a problem.  
> Also, if you notice any similarities with my other works, it's because I have a thing for strong/in-denial men finally giving in and ending up on their knees because that's the most powerless stance. And basically it's a metaphor for 'giving up power'. I'm weird, I know!  
> Second, there may be an epilogue if you can convince me to write one. I mean I'm pretty happy with where this has ended. BUt if you think there are lose ends and/or want more, drop me a line!  
> Third, I am so sorry if I disappointed anyone in any way. I know Harry/Daniel was a favourite but this was a Larry Stylinson fic always, sorry! If anything else is wrong, TELL ME. If anything is right, TELL ME.  
> Au Revoir!


	12. You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve, and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise motherfucker! So I'm a lying liar who lies. I had this chapter halfway written yesterday, I just wanted to see what everyone would think of the last one and what they thought was missing. This one is basically the last chapter from Louis' perspective. Epilogue might come, enjoy!
> 
> PS- Sorry for the extra-long chapter title, I just find it very fitting! It's a song called Flaws by Bastille, top song!

The doorbell ringing jars him from his thoughts but he doesn’t bother to get up and open the door. From where’s perched on the floor with his back to the drawing room wall, he can see the door opening and Eleanor coming in. 

 

“Louis?”

 

She looks concerned but he doesn’t have the energy to entertain her thoughts just yet. Harry’s with Daniel now. 

 

“Louis, what happened?”

 

She rushes to him and kneels down beside him, he can feel her probing hands on his face and his forehead. And he thinks back to all the times Harry had been angry or left the flat when she was around. It now makes sense to him, just the way Daniel was looking at Harry made him want to go somewhere far. Just unsee the affection between them and go far, far away.

 

“Louis, are you okay?”

 

“He doesn’t love me.”

 

The hands stop moving about, wait what hands? Whose hands? 

 

Daniel’s on Harry. Because he’s lost Harry now. 

 

He’s lost the one person he’s loved with all his heart because he didn’t want to get hurt. Why?

 

“He doesn’t love me anymore.”

 

“Louis, get up.”

 

That sounds like Eleanor. What? Where is he? What’s happening?”

 

“Louis. Come on, get up.”

 

“El?”

 

“Yeah, it’s me. You don’t look so good, let’s get you up.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“Harry, he uh. I just, I’m sorry. I can’t.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You know?”

 

“I’ve always known.”

 

“Why didn’t anybody tell me?”

 

“Tell you what? That you’re in love with your best mate while you’re going out with me?”

 

“Oh god, I am so so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, I knew the whole time. I was just hoping that maybe I’d be enough for you. That we might work out.”

 

“Oh god, El. I swear I didn’t—“

 

“I know Louis, it’s okay. Just get up, the floor’s really cold and you don’t look so good.”

 

He forces himself up and she leads him to his bed, he hasn’t slept in here for weeks but he’s not going to hurt her anymore than he already has by sleeping in Harry’s bed in front of her.

 

“Are you okay, Louis?”

 

“Yeah, I. I don’t know.”

 

“Just give it some time, you’ll be fine. Heartbreak is a bit tedious but you always get over it.”

 

No, you don’t, he wants to say. Memories of his mother broken and wrecked flash before his eyes but he pushes them down.

 

“El, I promise you I’ll never hurt you again. I didn’t think—“

 

“It’s okay, Louis. It’s fine.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say to that. This whole time he’d known that Eleanor was not the love of his life. He’d known that although he loved her, he wasn’t in love with her. But trying not to hurt himself, he ended up hurting everyone else around him, it seems.

 

“I am sorry. Just, I’m sorry for being blind and for hurting you.”

 

“Yeah, I’m gonna go now. You take care, yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

As she stands at the foot of the bed looking at him with concerned eyes, he wishes he could go back and undo all the hurt he’s put her through. She’s been a good friend to him.

 

“Goodbye, Louis.”

 

***

 

He’s standing in his old home and quiet sobs are coming from downstairs. Slowly he makes his way down the stairs, one step at a time as his little feet carry him avoiding the creaks he knows are there. When he finally makes it downstairs, the crying becomes a bit louder and as he pads silently toward the kitchen, he catches the most solemn sight.

 

He’s leaning in the doorway and it’s dark around him, as he looks into the kitchen he sees his mother sitting on the kitchen table crying. She’s got her hands twisted in her hair and from where he’s standing he can tell she’s pulling on it and it must hurt. 

 

He stays there quietly as she lets out one muffled sob after another and drinks something from a bottle. He knows it’s bad because his dad told him it was a grown-up thing and he shouldn’t touch it.

 

But his mother gulps it down and wipes at her face before a sound of pain escapes her but as he’s about to go to her, she brings her hand to her mouth and bites down hard on it. His little heart lurches in his chest. He just wants to comfort his mother.

 

But then she removes her hand from her mouth and drinks again, he can see her hand in the faint light of the kitchen and there are teeth marks on it. He knows it must hurt, he wants to comfort her and protect her.

 

“Mum?”

 

He asks in a trembling voice because he’s got tears streaming down his face after seeing the pain his mother is dealing with.

 

“Lou? What are you doing up, love?”

 

“I heard you. Are you okay, mum?”

 

He starts walking toward her only after she motions with her hand. 

 

“Come here, Boobear.”

 

He cringes at the nick-name, he hates it but he doesn’t want to hurt his mum more than she already is so he quietly walks to her and lets her pick him up and place him in her lap.

 

“Mum, why are you crying?”

 

“It’s nothing, baby.”

 

“Is it because of dad? I’m sorry he left, mum. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, baby. We’ll be fine, you and me.”

 

“Mum? Did he leave because of me?”

 

“No, Lou. No, he didn’t. Who told you that? Don’t listen to anyone.”

 

“But mum—“

 

“He left because of me. Never love anyone Lou, it brings pain and hurt, that’s all it brings. Your dad left because I loved him and when you do that, people leave and they break you.”

 

“Are you broken, Mum?”

 

“I am, baby. But I’ll be fine. You’ll fix me.”

 

And he did fix her. Even though it took months, years even. And it hurt him every day to see her sitting on that kitchen table every night after she thought he was asleep. After a few weeks, he couldn’t bring himself to go down and see her break apart every night. 

 

So he stayed in his room and listened to her muffled cries while lying in bed and vowing to himself he’d never love anybody.

 

Only the next night when he’s lying in bed, he hears someone crying again. It’s not his mother this time though as he makes his way downstairs and stands in the dark, he sees himself hunched over on the table and his mother is standing beside him rubbing his back,  
“I told you, Lou. I warned you. Never fall in love, they break you, darling. They break you and they leave you.”

 

He startles and sits up straight in bed, it was a dream. He breathes in deep and slow before reaching for his phone on the night stand and dials his mum.

 

“Lou? I thought you were supposed to be on your flight right now, with Eleanor?”

 

“I messed up, Mum. I messed up.”

 

“What happened, love? Are you okay?”

 

“I messed up. You told me not to but I messed up.”

 

“What are you talking about, Louis?”

 

“I fell in love, Mum. I fell so hard. You told me not to, but I can’t get away, Mum. He’s my home.”

 

“Okay, first are you just now realizing this? That you’re in love with Harry? Then you’re slower than I ever thought you’d be. And second, I told you what? And when?”

 

“That night in the kitchen. You said never love anyone, they will break you and then they’ll leave. I didn’t listen to you, I messed up and I fell for him. But I pushed him away, Mum before he could leave me. He’s gone now.”

 

“Gone where, Louis? What’re you saying? When did I ever tell you that?”

 

“You did, that night in the kitchen. After dad left, you said love would break you. It has, Mum.”

 

“Lou, I don’t know when or why I told you this but I was wrong. It is painful, yes but it’s also worth it. All the pain in the world is worth it for that one person. Your dad just wasn’t that person for me. Harry and you are different, Lou.”

 

“No, we’re not Mum. He’s gone now, just like dad. He’s gone and I am broken.”

 

“Don’t say that, darling. I know it hurts but Lou, you’re not broken. You’re just coping with loss. I know, I’ve been there. But you need to pull through this, for him.”

 

“He’s gone, Mum.”

 

“Stop saying that, Louis. He’s not gone, he’s just found someone else who can give him what he wants. You’re my son and I love you to death and back but love, you weren’t kind to him. He loved you for three years and waited for you, he was going to give up some day. He’s not gone, he’s just tired.”

 

“Why did you tell me never to fall in love?”

 

“Because I was hurting, and we say the stupidest things when we’re hurting. Things we don’t mean.”

 

“What do I do now?”

 

“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

 

“You’re my mum, you tell me.”

 

“It doesn’t work like that, Lou. You have to choose for yourself. You can either let him go and hurt for a bit, but then you’ll get over it. I promise. But this way you won’t give him power over you, he won’t be able to hurt you. Because I know that’s how you think. In terms of power and vulnerability, this way he wouldn’t have your heart and he couldn’t hurt you when he leaves.”

 

“Or?”

 

“Or you could hand him yourself, hand him your heart. Go after him, give him the power to ruin you and risk getting hurt. But then you’ll have him, to get you through the hurt. And believe me when I say this, it’ll be worth it. The pain, the heartbreak it will all be worth it. Even if he leaves.”

 

He just sits there silently replaying that night in the kitchen over and over in his head.

 

“Lou?”

 

“Yeah, mum?”

 

“I’m sorry, love.”

 

“What for?”

 

“I shouldn’t have said that to you, I didn’t even know I was saying that. I’m so sorry. I was hurting, after he left I wasn’t thinking straight and I should never have said that to you. And now you’ve hurt yourself so much because of what I said. And hurt Harry too.”

 

“It’s okay, Mum. I could see you were in pain. I just learned that people leave and when they do they hurt us. And they take a part of us with them. You didn’t tell me that, I saw it for myself.”

 

“I am so sorry, love. I’m so so sorry that I never told you how wonderful it is to love someone. To give yourself over completely to someone, to just abandon yourself because you trust them so much. Because you believe they’ll never hurt you. Sometimes, you’re wrong and they do hurt you but sometimes, Lou sometimes it’s the most beautiful thing. With the right person, you want to give yourself to them, you want to fall down to your knees and just let go.”

 

“Thanks, Mum.”

 

“Whatever you decide, love just know that I’m here for you. I haven’t been a good mother but now I will be.”

 

“Don’t say that. You’ve been the best mum ever.”

 

“And yet I didn’t teach you one of the most important things in life, how to love. Just know that I may have hurt my fair share, I may have looked wrecked sitting on that kitchen table but it was all worth it in the end. I had to live through all that to find Daniel. And you’ve already found your Harry, trust me when I say this, that boy would never hurt you. 

 

I’m not forcing you to do anything, all I’m saying is it takes lifetimes for people to find what you two have found so young. Don’t let yourself ruin it just because your mum was lousy at picking men. I’m serious, Lou. If I had any clue that you were holding back because of me, I’d have come over there and smacked some sense into you. 

 

I always thought you two were already together. And then when he left, I thought it was because you weren’t ready to come out. If I’d known that my son was hurting himself and my other son because of my failures, I’d have sat you down and told you this. If you love him, and he still does love you, I know, then don’t let anything stand in your way. You’ve both hurt each other enough. I’m not saying that getting drunk everyday is what you should be doing – believe me I see the hypocrisy in this – or that take your anger out on furniture –Zayn rang – but I do know what you’re going through. I do know that nothing feels right right now so you can’t be bothered to care. And I know I just told you to give yourself over completely to him but Lou, don’t make yourself so dependent on him that if and I mean if, he does ever leave that you can’t find yourself. 

 

As a mum, I can promise that he would never hurt you. There will be hurdles, and there will most certainly be pain but he’ll be right there with you. Sharing half of it. But of course, the final decision is yours. And you can’t string him along anymore, go all the way or back out now.”

 

He takes a moment to repeat it in his head, repeat what she’s just told him.

 

“If you need to talk, I’m right here, love. And I can come over and visit if you need, just let me know.”

 

“Thanks Mum.”

 

“Just don’t let him get hurt and don’t let yourself get hurt.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“You take care now, bye love.”

 

“Bye Mum.”

 

He lays down after disconnecting the call, his head is spinning from everything he’s heard in the past few hours. It’s all jumbled up and yet he knows exactly what he wants but his head hurts really bad. And his stomach is growling but he doesn’t want to get up and find food so he lays there quietly and falls asleep.

 

***

 

A rattling sound from somewhere jars him awake but he just rolls over and goes back to slumber. His head feels so heavy and even though he’s clod he doesn’t want to get up and get a blanket.

 

Just as he’s slipping back to oblivion another sound disturbs him and when he hears a gasp, he has to force himself to get up and check who it is this time.

 

As he sleepily pads out of his room, his legs stop short when he sees a familiar figure standing looking at the now empty wall of photos.

 

The familiar hunch and the curls, his hand tracing the only photo Louis had put back on the wall because this one he just couldn’t bear to hide away. He’d caught himself tracing this photo countless times and even with his blood on it, this was the most beautiful photo for Louis.  
He can’t stand the silence anymore and once again his voice betrays him when he speaks.

 

“Harry?”

 

He doesn’t turn around. His hand slips from the photo and falls to his side but he doesn’t turn around. Louis just wants to see his face.

 

He finally turns around and he looks just like he’d looked in that interview this morning. Except he’s not looking at Louis and he’s not smiling.

 

“Zayn said you wouldn’t be home. Going on vacation.”

 

“I didn’t go.”

 

“I came by to clean up, he said it looked really bad.”

 

Louis wants to run and hide away because he’s ashamed of what he’s done and what he’s become. He’s ashamed that he’s trashed their beautiful home and made it so dirty.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, I’ll get started.”

 

No, that’s not what he’s saying sorry for. Why doesn’t Harry understand. 

 

“I’m sorry, Haz.”

 

“It’s fine. Actually, I’m gonna go. Zayn said he’ll come by tomorrow to clean this all up. If you want, I can get a cleaner in earlier than that.”

 

No, don’t leave please, he wants to say but he can’t. 

 

“Heard you on the radio this morning.”

 

Just please say you don’t love him. Please say that the interview was scripted.

 

“I’ll call the cleaners now.”

 

Harry starts to walk away from the wall, his sanctuary. Louis knows he can’t keep beating about the bush now. If Harry is walking away from the wall then he’s definitely not coming back. He has to ask now.

 

“When’d you get over me?”

 

That’s not what he’d meant to ask. But Harry’s stopped moving and he realizes with a start that his vision is blurry because unshed tears fill his eyes as he’s finally looking into Harry’s eyes.

 

“What?”

 

He knows he should ask him something else but he has to know the answer.

 

“You said you were going out with him. You said you were over old flames. When did you get over me?”

 

Harry stands rooted to the spot as Louis feels his heart lurch in his chest because Harry’s not denying it. He feels like he could die, but then if he’s dying he might as well kill himself before the pain gets him.

 

“Do you love him?”

 

The silence is killing him. Just one word, that’s all he needs. 

 

But Harry doesn’t say anything, he just takes a step toward the door and Louis knows that if he doesn’t give himself over now, he’d lose Harry forever. And in a moment of pure instinct, he realizes that he’d rather be hurt by Harry than never have him.

 

His mum’s words ring in his ears as he drops to his knees and she was right, he does feel this sense of calm settle over. He’s talking before he knows what he’s saying but he doesn’t care anymore.

 

"Come back to me, please. Please. I was so blind, I didn’t see it. All this time, it was right before me but I didn’t see it. I thought you were like everyone else. I thought you’d leave me too. ‘Cuz everyone leaves me, and I told myself you can’t love him. You can’t. He will leave and you’ll be wrecked. Because I knew I couldn’t live without you. So I forced myself to not fall in love with you but it was too late. I’d already fallen. Since that first day you picked me up on that stage.

 

I was a fool, thought I’d save myself the heartbreak by pushing it all down. Thought if I didn’t do anything then you wouldn’t leave. Mates don’t leave, well they do but they don’t wrench your heart out and take it with them. Thought I’d be fine lying to myself and to you, hurting you to save myself. But I can’t anymore, Haz.

 

I can’t. You’re my home. I can’t come back to this empty shell. I can’t lie anymore. I can’t have and not hold anymore. I am yours, always was. If you’ll have me. Please come back to me, Harry.”

 

And he means every word of it. Just as the last words leave his mouth, he feels like a weight’s been lifted off his chest. He doesn’t know what Harry would say but he’s not afraid of getting hurt anymore. He’s on his knees, he’s said everything he was burying within himself, and he’s giving himself to Harry. He’s vulnerable. 

 

He’s down on his knees with tears running down his face and it hurts to be so powerless. It’s a sweet pain, though. But then Harry’s hands find their way into his hair and Louis abandons every last shred of restraint he had and wraps his arms around Harry as he stands over him. He feels a tug on his hand and it burns a little when fingers glide over the cuts but he doesn’t care about the pain anymore.

 

Harry pulls him up and his long arms find their way around Louis, he holds him delicately just like he always did. Louis feels like he’s home finally.

 

“I’d never leave you. I’m sorry I walked out that day, I’m so sorry Lou.”

 

Why did he ever think this boy could hurt him? This boy, who he has hurt so much for so long and who’s apologizing to him. How could he have been this blind?

 

“No, it’s not your fault Hazza. I am sorry, I am so so sorry for hurting you. Please come back to me?”

 

He feels Harry nod against his head and he’s never felt like this is his life.

 

Not when he was put together with the lads in the X-factor. Not when he was signed by DRFC. Not when he’d attended their film premiere. Never. It feels so easy to be here with Harry. So natural. Why had he ever resisted? Why had he ever doubted that this was real? Why had he ever tried to suppress this?

 

Because he can’t suppress this anymore. He pulls back from Harry’s arms and leans up to brush his lips against Harry’s. He feels this intense need in him, like he’s been denying himself something for years and he can’t anymore. And well he can’t anymore. He startles when Harry doesn’t move at all in response and worries that maybe this is not what Harry meant when he said he’d come back. Maybe he really has moved on and just meant to come back as a mate. But then all his doubts burn away when he feels Harry insistently kiss him back. 

 

He stops thinking right about then and he certainly doesn’t blush when Harry picks him up and carries him to their bedroom. He most certainly doesn’t blush when Harry bites down hard on his nipple and sure as hell no blushing when Harry’s mouth trails down his chest and down to other places.

 

He doesn’t turn red at any point during the next night, does not whimper or moan or writhe about as Harry’s skillful fingers are put to good use. 

 

No, he doesn’t.

 

All he does is whisper “I love you” into Harry’s ear long after he’s fallen asleep and is holding onto Louis tightly. He does stay awake for hours staring at the ceiling and occasionally lean over and kiss Harry just to make sure he’s really here and because he can.

 

Harry squirms a bit in his sleep sometimes, mumbles his name and tightens his arms but goes right back to sleep.

 

Louis knows that he would spend every day of his life on his knees for this boy – what do you mean my mind’s in the gutter? No, it’s not. Are you quite finished? – he would lay himself open every day of his life, open and vulnerable because he knows this boy in his arms would never leave him. 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Think it was any good? Drop me a line!

**Author's Note:**

> Did I do something wrong in this chapter? Why won't you tell me? TELL ME.


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